Simplicity.Back to Basics.

--

2012-02-06T21:42:00.000+08:00

I would very much rather be like the moon - unremarkable, unspectacular but ubiquitous nonetheless, than be a shooting star - brilliant, sparkling, and even lighting up a life with a self-sacrificing display, but ultimately tragically burning before crashing down to earth in a broken heap.

It hurts too much.

--

2012-01-17T12:49:00.002+08:00

My head is racing with thoughts; I can hear my own heartbeat within my ear
My chest feels hollow
My life has been one constant battle
From the very day I came forth from my mom, I was fighting

For the right to live
As the cord which kept me alive previously sought to contradict its very existence
By choking me to certain death
I won that fight, and have been fighting ever since

I don’t think the adage, “susah dahulu, senang kemudian” can apply to me just yet
Everything has simply been a series of struggles
The only variable is the extent of those struggles
The aim has always been the same: to win.

So I try
I have always been trying
Effort will always be the very least that I put in
Sometimes it’s sad, I find, that heart is sometimes there, in lieu of talent

I try, time and again
I fucking try, bloody hell
I bend over backwards, sideways and in any other permutation you can think of
I just try, for a cause I deem worth the effort

So how do you reconcile yourself to the fact that it is never good, let alone enough?
That it is simply just not good enough?
That it originated from a settlement?
That bluntly, it was “safety first” and grabbed at, at the first opportunity?

Again, I try, I just do
To hold it together, to be rational, constructive, appreciative
It is a most herculean effort, especially in the maintenance stakes
But surely it is a two-way street? Not obligatory, but most certainly appreciated?

Amidst time constraints, extrinsic pressures, professional and personal, personal injury, I just give it everything
Whether it was in response to a request or of my own desire
Blood, sweat, tears, air, whatever: I just do so
Is there a saturation point?

But what happens in return?
Doubt, discord, distrust
Made all the more inexplicable by the fact that there have been no mitigating circumstances prior
Always the same song-and-dance routine that follows, before the entire cycle repeats itself ad nauseum

I am more than au fait with the symptoms of the condition
Maybe that’s what hurts the most
Because in spite of all the hardships before, no ‘promised land’ of ease appears in sight
Lurching on from one to the other; interminable

Maybe nothing will ever be good enough
Maybe nothing will ever appease
Maybe I will always be the one who stands with more to lose
Maybe, just maybe, this is just how it is

Whatever happens, happens. But it will not be for a lack of effort on my part.

--

2012-01-04T21:43:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if life is such that it is a constant tease
The 'ideal' person you have in mind often pops up in your life much too late
Sometimes I just wonder, "why the absolute lack of ease"?
The heartbreak is something I absolutely hate

Sometimes I just wonder why does everything have to be a constant test
Meaning that you are always going to be on the ball
You almost always never get to rest
And when you fail, you often crash (and burn) at a stout, brick wall

Sometimes I wonder why is it such that we always want what we cannot get
though for some of us, we try regardless
For Failure to happen for a lack of effort we refuse to let
And yet when we lose in the end, if only to stop the pain, we yearn to be heartless

Sometimes I just wonder if we should just reconcile ourselves with our respective fates
Especially after expending an effort most valiant
But in my book, to do exactly that is something I hate
After giving your everything and then some, I find it very hard to to be a failure recipient

Maybe it's just a perfectionistic streak
Maybe it's obstinacy
Stemming from the background of a geek
Doing his best to materialize his flights of fancy

I suppose I just try to do my very best
And hope for something good
I leave it to God to do the rest
And try to seek consolation, scant as it may be, in the fact that I have done all that (and more than) I could.

--

2012-01-04T21:42:00.001+08:00

Feelings are always one's own
Like the heart, mind, body and soul
Be they tears of joy or when you weep,
Feelings will always be yours: to give or keep

--

2012-01-03T21:49:00.000+08:00

writers write.

teachers teach.

soldiers soldier.

policemen police.

haters hate.

friends friend.

crushes crush.

And the pain, when it materializes, can be quite excruciating.

For OC Teams, Fellow IOs et al - Something Simple from me.

2011-10-20T00:12:00.001+08:00

Mr Goh Mia Khiang my good man
I’d like to think that I’ve done all that I can
To do the right thing as required as and when
For our people, our community, or to just lend a helping hand

I have so much to be grateful for
From all of you, learning the application of the law
Sometimes I really wish I could have done more
But the exertions took their toll I guess: I just got floored

I learnt so much from each and every one of you
And I am really grateful for all the lessons, that much is true
But people always come and go, old to be replaced by new
I am not exempt from this view

I was supposed to write a poem for you Mr G
But ended up writing about my entire stint, as experienced by me
But I suppose words could never really fully articulate, you see
Just how this entire stint has rendered an effect so taxingly, exhaustingly and yet meaningfully onto me

And yet after much consideration for a start
I just looked deep within my heart
With some resonance from reason, and a feeling in my gut
Somehow I concluded: it was time to part

I leave knowing I have done all that I could
That the outcome wouldn’t be any different years from now, it never would
Some things are just, for me at least, never meant to be understood
But on a side note I’d like to think that I leave having done some good

I thank you all for the education
I’d like to think that as a copper I attained completion
Learning from you lot the law in all its application
Something we all did with much conviction

You lot are, of criminals their very bane
The very reason why complainants are alive to complain
Why criminals are put away, the reason main
I say: Thank You all, OCs, IOs, once again

It gets demanding at times, often at the expense of your life and privacy, but I just hope that it wouldn’t deprive any of you from living out your lives as you desire. The poet Robert Herrick said once, in the opening stanza of his poem “To the Virgins, to make much of time”:

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying.

Life is unpredictable at best, whereby its only consistency is in the inconsistency of it all. While you play a part in getting people to live their lives normally, you all deserve to have lives of your own too.

Keep fighting the good fight.

God Bless, and thank you all once again.

Normalcy. Shot at a new life.

2011-10-19T22:46:00.003+08:00

I honestly never saw this day coming. I planned a contingency in the event that it would materialize, but I never did significantly ever think that it would happen. But it has. As the sun set today, I am no longer under employment of the Singapore Police Force.

Exactly 2 years and 2 weeks to the day I joined the Branch have passed, and I have since decided to call time and let the sun set on my Policing career. Hopefully I left behind much good a name, and am hopefully remembered as a responsible and ultimately reliable team and staff member, for whom organisational and departmental needs and requirements have always taken much precedence over his own. I owe many thanks to everyone who have made my stint a most enriching and educational experience. Hopefully I didn't disappoint too much.

I joined the organization 6 years ago, on 12 July 2005 as a fresh-faced 19-year-old fresh out of school. My mates were all getting enlisted: some (most) to the Army, some to the Police Force, and some to the Civil Defence. I had decided at the ripe old age of 18 that I wanted to be a copper upon my graduation from the Polytechnic. I had ideals, and my principal motivation was "to make a difference in the lives of others".

Looking back in hindsight, I realize that there are many ways to help people. For me, though, this was the most obvious and significant way I could think of: to be a hero of sorts. To help out when the chips were down, to help out in emergencies, but most tellingly, to put the bad guys away so that our streets could be clean, and the people on it safe.

And so while people were being enlisted, I was voluntarily signing up. To make what people were getting enlisted to do, a full-time career. At that time, it seemed good enough for my ideals. I think the main draw was that the work was very. very real. No simulation or bones about the business. It was a privileged position to be in, for me at least.

Maybe it was just me growing old, but I sort of rediscovered myself in those years. I made the decision to further my studies, and unlike what happened with the diploma, I decided to plump for something which I knew I loved, not just liked or had an interest in. It was just unfortunate that I took longer than most to find out what was it that I really loved. For me, the Degree was actually to supplement my professional aspirations.

All I wanted to be, as a kid entering the organization, was to move up the ranks. To progress from the rank-and-file and 'make it' into the upper management ranks. One of the things I would need was a degree. Or so I thought. So for reasons part-practical, part-idealistic, I plumped for a course of study for a subject matter which interested me most. That way, since I paid for my own way through school, I owed nobody (least of all the organization) anything, plus, if things didn't work out for me there I could still leave and be tertiary-educated; which in Singapore's paper-dominated job climate would hopefully give me an edge.

Of course, I never quite contemplated it. My plan was actually a very simple one: sign up, be in the front lines, do well, move on into investigation, become a complete copper, make my name there and then move on into the senior officer ranks. Seemed simple enough didn't it? And then I saw the entire picture for what it really was.

I got to see the entire ranking, appraisal and evaluation system within the organization And I also saw first-hand how the legal justice system here worked as well in my latter years, seeing as to how my fellow investigators and I had a massive part to play in the investigation and subsequent prosecution (if any) of offenders in our respective cases. And the reality of it all just hit me like a sledgehammer to the solar plexus.

That it wasn't just about working hard. Or even the core functions of the organizations. People were looking for something extra. Non-essential items, but something 'extra'. Be it planning for internal functions, participating in events, you know, those 'angkat bola' things. And sad to say, those things far preceded occupational / operational excellence. It was like, "you're good at your job. So? Carry on being that way then. I'm looking for someone who can do that 'extra' thing". Soon everyone just does the 'angkat bola' things and nobody wants to do the dirty work anymore. The dirty work, which, in my book, allows everyone to get on with their daily stuff!

That, and the fact that even if I were to make it, I was never going to be able to carve out a career path similar to a scholar or a so-called 'direct entry' guy. I was always most likely to be farmed out to my last known unit. Which is a minefield in itself. Because you are practically deemed omnipresent: a judge could fall ill and postpone a hearing, an accused person could make an application to defer a court date to celebrate a festival or a birthday (and it is usually approved). But try an investigator asking for such. You do everybody's job, but worse, everyone expects you to do their job. It just got too much eventually for me. Because unlike other jobs, while I can leave my work at the office, the work follows me everywhere I go, even overseas. And I am expected to drop everything and to attend to the case if there were to be a development, which I honestly think is unreasonable and utter bullshit. I should not have to run helter-skelter to attend to some idiot who purposely absented himself from court, or ran away after committing a crime. If anything, his or her arrest should make things easier for the administration of justice, not make things more difficult.

So I found a new team to bat for. One that could offer better times, better terms, overall, a better life. I'd like to think I earned a shot at a normal life after all my endeavours of the better part of the last six-and-a-half years. I gave 6 of the best years of my life to the nation, the community and the organization; I'd like to think that I gave nothing short of sterling service (somehow the lack of a service medal irks me, as other ministries/organizations have given them for much less, but that is another story for another time). It also irks me that I left having to compromise on my entitlements, with no possible avenues of recourse: my leave balance exceeded my notice period, which I would have been more than fine to either extend my notice or forfeit the balance, but even then, the remaining balance couldn't be utilized. I still had to take duty tours, do a file declaration, etc. And of course nobody would remunerate me for it, or commute my leave into pay: they will conveniently hide behind the "exigencies of service" crap. So I just did everything as fast as I could, cut my losses and left as soon as the necessary was done, even a file declaration. I could have just left, but I guess the responsible worker reared its head again. My only consolation was that I dekitted early as well, about 10 days before my official final day. So that made amends somewhat.

On the surface, it might seem like another case of a junior officer with a degree leaving for pastures new. But if the HR analysts were worth their salt, they would dig deeper and know that this wasn't your run-of-the-mill case. I doubt it would happen though. To them, I will be just another statistic, another number. Another one of those who have since resigned. I know their stand all too well: "It's okay, we have hundred more in training waiting to replace you". With such employers, who needs inducements for employees to leave? Of course, they can, and will, always play this game: because this war we fight will never end till the end of time, and as such, this job with the organization will always be in supply.

Oh well. The fight is no longer mine to fight now.

Here's to a new lease of (a normal) life, hopefully a much better one. Amen.

--

2011-09-29T15:28:00.002+08:00

So much has happened in the past fortnight. With each day I come closer than I have ever been, to starting a new job in the unemployment line. Well, at least for about a fortnight, before I commence my stint with a new organization. Having agreed terms, cleared the medical, all I need to do now is await the conclusion of the current deal. My approximate value as an employee? About ten grand, apparently. That was the fee calculated.

I hope to be able to clear the remainder of my leave in peace. I still have one more tour to do though (a Sunday morning, no less), and the day after that will also inevitably be a work day too. Bad enough my leave balance exceeded the notice period, meaning I rugi lah. I could have served a longer notice to even out the score, but I would rather not because work here is very personal. Cases are ours and ours alone, so the longer I remain with the organization the more the cases will stick with me. If there was anything that needed to be done, I would have to do it. Not really the best of things to do when I am leaving, but more tellingly, not the best to do when it concerns the freedom of individuals (eg those charged in Court). Very sensitive.

For the better part of the last six years, my life has been all about this war. Some people might scoff at my choice of words, but I assure you that the work we do is real work. There is nothing simulated about a person running at you with a chopper, or biting you, punching you, kicking you, grappling with HIV-positive people, running-and-gunning and rolling in the deep. And in the latter part of my stint here, there is also nothing simulated about sending a person to incarceration. Everyone gets affected, from both sides. We are in the middle, and are given bouquets and brickbats at the same time (although from what I see, usually more the latter). So for all of you who might initially scoff, all I can say is that real-time situation beats simulated exercises. Every. Single. Time.

This war will never end, simply because it is human to err. For me, my time in the frontlines has made me appreciative of a lot more things, and it has also made me more pragmatic and realistic, not to mention a wee bit more knowledgeable about various legislations here. Disgracefully, some organizations exist having others do the bulk of their work, and their staff don't even know their core duties and legislations. But that is a matter for those above to sort out. Which they have, regrettably so, not done so for the last 1.5 decades (and still counting).

I pray that my upcoming stint brings forth peace of mind. Most significantly, I look forward to being able to not have my work follow me wherever I go, and not having it trespass into and take away my private life.

--

2011-09-19T23:03:00.003+08:00

Having had some time to reflect, I shall state the obvious:
It is September already
So much has happened this year
From the off, too

Of landmark decisions and u-turns
Of Wayne Rooney-esque proportions, no less
That was how the year began
The drama

I have been with the Organization for the last six years (and counting)
And in this time, I have been fortunate(?) to have experienced, by choice or otherwise, the core duties of the Organization
Be it attending to all sorts of '999' calls, lodging all sorts of reports or doing extra duties for events
Or investigating into all sorts of cases reported, like now, prosecuting anyone guilty and clearing the names of those wrongly-acussed

I think it is rather significant How while some might find my length of service to be not too long, I have enough real-time experience to trump any other type of serviceman.

And therein lies the crux of the matter
Because for all the experiences we have, what does it bring us?
Nothing tangible, I would say
More brickbats than bouquets; and this will always be the case

People get worn out and jaded
But worst of all, I get to see with just how little esteem the Organization is held by the outside world
The real world
We are treated like houseflies: everybody wants you to eat, treat and move their shit, but at the same time, they are trying to swat at you and kill you

Fellow agencies push everything to us, even their core duties
What is the purpose of the existence of your agencies if all you do is push your work to us?
And people come to you for anything and everything
Some say it is a backhanded compliment to our Organization, that they 'trust' us

Phui. We are always the first to be blamed and never thanked. Backhands to the face, more like.

Another ministry treats us like dirt; as though we are their coffee-boys,
To fetch and despatch at their every beck and call
Worst of all, they plagiarise our work most of the time, simply amending the names at the bottom to pass it off as their own!
To the judiciary, no less!

I haven't even gone to the other part
The public and those on the other side of the proverbial fence
Worse, the people within
Everyone expects miracles

Are we not human?
Do we not have lives outside work?
Festivals to celebrate? Families/friends to spend time with?

Do we not fall ill?
Go on vacation?
Eat?
Sleep?

Because if you do, then we sure as hell do so as well.

But Judging by how we apparently take instructions from everyone, apparently not.

I think this was what did it
The realisation that even if I did make it, the path that lay ahead would still be markedly different from the freshies
That the Organization would still be treated like dirt by its so-called 'partners'

That the work, while enriching and educational in itself, counts for very little (if at all) in the real world
How the protracted, unpredictable and protection-less nature of the job simply wears one out in record time

Now I know why nobody wants/dares to take this up
To compound matters, the routes of progression have been opened up to lesser vocations
So one can carry on here and not make it, while those 'protected species' can hide and still progress
What value is left now?

It is quite sad that all this experience counts for very little
But at least I will be in a fantastic position to advise
For now, I will just carry on
But once the administration is done, I am walking out of the warzone

It isn't a simple matter of "oh you're walking out on us because you have a degree"
That would be the biggest insult I have ever faced
Because if you know me, you will know that I have sone everything that I could have done in all my time here
More than some people with twice my service length have done
I choose to walk because of a variety of reasons

I pray that someone above addresses these issues for the Organization
But I am not too hopeful: because things are such that the top don't care how the bottom feel
And those at the top always propose, but are rotated around before they can actually implement anything

I have decided: I will no longer fight this battle anymore.

National Day

2011-08-09T11:58:00.000+08:00

"Little red dot", "Little piece of snot", and "Disneyland with the death penalty" are some of the names levelled against Singapore. But for me, it is where I have spent my entire life, and my friends and family are here too. In essence, for all its flaws, for me at least, this is home.

Happy National Day to all Singaporeans, regardless of the virtue or birth, or naturalization.

--

2011-08-09T06:41:00.000+08:00

ne'er away from my mind have you ever been
Though as of now by me you will prolly never be seen
What was of us since consigned to the bin
I can't help but wonder, what did to you all that we were mean?

I for one would love to know
But perhaps not in this lifetime, prolly so
To this I wish the answer to me would flow
At the very least, I get some closure and/or understanding, no?

What happened in all those many a year?
Was I really the devil incarnate in the eyes of the viewer(s)?
Every waking moment we spent together was precious; dear
Even if it did, for me, ultimately end in many a tear

Here I am still writing about this topic
A love which for me was of proportions epic
one without precedent; materialising against all odds, conventions and logic
One that I will summarise in a word, as 'fantastic'

I wish I could share this with you
I wonder if stop by to read you still do
I wish we could still exchange our writings, honestly true
I wish what was on your mind I knew

For in spite of all the time passed by, I am still very much the sentimental fool
Silly, sentimental, stubborn: not unlike a bull
I can only hope I was not made a tool
What I can tell you is that of you, my heart, mind and soul is clearly, very full

Which brings me to the conclusion of this piece
I have been wondering how to put and end to this (piece)
How to appropriately sign off, summarise everything in gist
Here's not for a lack of trying: it is clearly evident here that you I terribly miss

I love you. Always have, and will prolly always will.

--

2011-08-09T06:40:00.000+08:00

Sentimental fool I am
Always and forever breaking my own heart
Sentimental fool I am
Ask Me about my flaws?I don't even know where to start

The fool that I am
Reflects aplenty
Reflects, reminisces
And also misses

Everything: times spent, memories
The intellectual attraction
That which gave rise to many a lovely moment
That which left me in awe, wonder and love

It has been many years since
Not to say that I haven't moved on
Somehow I have had to at least try to
It hasn't been easy, to out it mildly; not when one considers the Significance of it all

Because you were the first
You have always been
That landmark
That I such hit the right notes was just sheer poetry

I learnt that even if for a fleeting moment
even if it was ne'er going to be permanent
A perfect love could still materialise
Silly me: attempting to sustain it was always going to be a valiant fool's errand

But I have always been the fool.

Your Fool.

Or perhaps, as you remembered me, Your Fadz.

Or perhaps, if I may indulge, your fudge.

Why am I writing this at 6 in the morning on a Public Holiday?

I don't know, it just came to me.

That, plus the fact that you have never been far away from my mind.

Come to think of it, you have always been in it. Just as I told you once ago

--

2011-07-26T12:05:00.002+08:00

I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away
I want you back
My neighbours think I'm crazy
But they don't understand: You were all that I had

At night when the stars light on my room
I sit by myself, talking to the moon
Try to get to You, in hope that you're on the other side, talking to me too
Oh, am I a fool?
One who sits alone, talking to the moon?

I'm feeling like I'm famous; the talk of the town
They say I've gone mad
Yeah: I've gone mad
But they don't know what I know
'Cause when the Sun goes down, Someone's talking back

Oh, am I a fool?
Because who sits alone, talking to the moon?

Do you ever hear me calling?
Howling like a wolf, to the blue-corned moon?
'Cause every night, I talk to the Moon
Still trying to get to You

In hope, that somehow you're on the other side, talking to me too.

I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away.

Pioneer Princess without Precedent. An attempt at being alliterative on my part.

If only you could see just how much you have influenced, shaped, and haunted me.

I am pretty much a fool.

Your fool, perhaps.

'twas always thus, and always thus will be.

--

2011-07-24T16:38:00.001+08:00

I thought I saw you on Friday
At the Central region of our Country
Clad in a green top
Walking alongside another woman

I only caught a glimpse of you too late though
Only when you walked past the table I was seated at
An eatery
And then a song came to my head

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye
Not a single a word was said
No final kiss to seal any seams
I had no idea in the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time You thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where we went wrong
The more I do the less I know

I gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me

When will I see you again?

Perhaps it was the lack of precedence; perhaps it was the landmark nature of the bond.

Perhaps, you were always meant to serve as a reminder for me, for that idealistic notion of a fairytale love.

That fairytales can and do come true, even if for the most fleeting of moments.

Happy (Belated) Birthday

2011-07-19T22:46:00.002+08:00

Hey you
I know I'm in the wrong
Time flies
When you're having fun
You wake up
Another year is gone

You're thirty-one.

I guess you wanna know
Why I'm on the phone
It's been a day or so
I know it's kinda late
But happy birthday

I know you hate me
Well I miss you too
Yeah yeah I know
I know it's kinda late
But happy birthday

So hard
When you're far away
It's lame but I forgot the date
I won't make the same mistake
I'm so to blame

Now you know
Don't hang up the phone
I wish I was at home
I know it's way too late
But happy birthday

It's not that I don't care
You know I'll make it up to you
If I could I'd be there

Today

2011-07-12T22:39:00.002+08:00

Today is the day
Where historically, i have always lost
Something, someone
Always lost on this very day

6 years ago it was the 'student' tag
And thereafter, the life of a civillian
A year later it was my probation status
And in the years that followed, I lost you

I remember the entire episode well
How it all panned out
Like a massive roller-coaster ride
With the smooth and the rough, the good and the bad

Although it ultimately ended in tears aplenty.

I still remember. Everything. Every single detail. Of our times together.

I always have, and alway will.

For a very simple reason: it was a landmark experience without precedence.

I trust that you are in good hands, and have been so since you made that decision those years ago.

So here I return to the proverbial grave, to offer the same single lily on the proverbial grave.

Happy Anniversary.

Someone like You

2011-07-02T11:05:00.002+08:00

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a guy
And you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true
I guess he gave you things
I didn’t give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain’t like you to hold back,
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away; I couldn’t fight it
I hoped you would see my face and be reminded
That for me, it isn’t over

You know, how the time flies?
It seems like only yesterday: It was the time of our lives
We were born and bred in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind: I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I’ll remember you still

Sometimes it lasts in love; But sometimes, it hurts instead.

Someday I'll Know... Hopefully

2011-06-21T00:12:00.002+08:00

90 miles outside our hometown
Can't stop driving, I don't know why
So many questions; I need an answer
Years later; You're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Because I sure did.

Someday, we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday, we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday, we'll know why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time tonight

Someday, we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday, we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday, we'll know why I wasn't meant for you
Someday, we'll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day, I'll go dancing on the moon

Someday, you'll know that I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me tonight?

Someday, we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday, we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday, we'll know why I wasn't meant for you
Someday, we'll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day, I'll go dancing on the moon

Someday, you'll know that I was the One for you.

Sometimes

2011-06-21T00:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you just remember: occurrences, and the emotions which were associated with them
Sometimes, memories just come flooding back inadvertently.
And sometimes, all you can do is to give in to physiological reactions, already-deeply-intertwined with psychological bonds, and...

Just bawl your eyes out.

Perspective

2011-04-05T22:40:00.002+08:00

You might think that I didn't do enough to make you stay.
The way I see it, you were the one who pushed me away.
Nothing I did was ever good enough for you.
What else is there that you would like for me to do?

You cannot even define what it is you want
You seem to intimate that you are quite done
With me, with us, I do not know
But whatever it is, you know you're free to go

I'm not going to cry
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave,
Then I will not stand in your way

If you honestly think there is something better for you out there, then by all means go and get it.

I can only apologize for wasting a portion of your life is that is what you feel.

--

2011-04-05T22:37:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder
I think about you
About the times we had
The abrupt, enforced end

Sometimes I wonder
I wish you could see
See the man I have become
From the young boy whom you once knew

I wish you could spend some time with me now
A thoughtful conversation
About anything and everything under the sun
As was our wont

I wish I could still see you
I loved you then, and I love you regardless
But I have more sense now
So you need not worry

We have all gotten on with our respective lives
I'm sure you have too
WHich is why sometimes I feel real sad
For in losing you, I lost an actual friend too

A friend with whom I had an intellectual connection
A friend with whom I shared genuinely common interests and topics of conversation
A friend with whom friendship was effortlessly easy
A real, honest, genuine friend

I wish you were still around.

--

2011-03-22T07:36:00.004+08:00

I have a propensity to question myself
Even for the times when I am hardly wracked with self-doubt
As idealistic as I can be, sometimes I cannot help but allow pragmatism to take over
A requirement for detail, scrutinizing and analyzing anything and everything

I learnt something about worrying though:

"Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere."

Worrying is separated from thoroughness and meticulous-ness by, I would think, thinking too much about those which lie not within our range of control.

Some manner of composure would then be the order of the day methinks.

--

2011-03-20T21:15:00.003+08:00

I have a propensity to analyze
to analyze and scrutinize
everything around me
myself included

It has been a rather dark past 12 months or so
But somehow I feel like I have seen a path lining up somewhat
All I have to do is to walk it down
Even though it might be against conventional judgement

I have a propensity to question myself
Perhaps to the extent of being wracked with self-doubt
Sometimes you ask yourself questions that nobody can answer
What do you do then?

I think you need to have a vision
And then just follow through with it
To have that undying faith in yourself, even when you feel otherwise
Leave no room for self-doubt

To roll up one's proverbial sleeves
To get stuck in and knuckle down
And just keep persevering, ploughing, and plodding away
Do our best, and let God deal with the rest

Bloddy single-mindedness.

I could do with a shot of that.

Or maybe a pint.

Art. Life. Thought Processes.

2011-03-10T15:15:00.003+08:00

Black. White. Grey.

To be Grey is to be ambiguous
Art is ambiguous, to be left open to interpretation
I say that from a cinematic point view
Art mirrors life, so the adage goes

But I guess sometimes life is best analyzed in black and white
In absolutes, the haves and have-nots
Because they are all that matter in the history books
The end result that people see: the ones that people analyze, scrutinize, and most crucially, remember

So forgive me if I look for the beauty in a given situation
Affair or episode altogether
Sometimes, all I want is to indulge my senses in the experience
Appreciating the journey rather than the destination, so to speak

But there can be no room for sentiment in decision-making thought processes
Black-and-white should be all that determine
Yes. No. Have. Have-not. Love. Hate. Full. Empty. Here. There.
No sitting on fences

Perhaps, we should all be measured enough to be able make decisions without having sentiment or emotion cloud our judgement.

Rose-tinted glasses should be for appreciating the past, not for making decisions for the present.

Perhaps, all we should do is to be able to take a hint really.

I can do that.

Question, Part II

2011-02-23T23:30:00.000+08:00

That sheepish smile
That hearty laugh
The two mini-moles which I can see on either side of your nose
The slight strands of grey amongst your jet-black hair

Such a wholesome feel about you
a pious, homely, genuinely good person
One I have seemed to developed a fondness for, a friendship with
One i genuinely fear losing
As the consequence of a rash, impulsive, and ultimately petulant course of
Action

Am I falling in like with you?

Perhaps more than I care, or dare, to admit.

Question(?)

2011-02-23T23:29:00.000+08:00

"do you love me?"

Some time ago, to stutter as I answered that question would be, pardon the pun, out of the question

But now, after everything, I really don't know.

Can people with nothing in common make things work?

New

2011-02-21T22:40:00.002+08:00

If only you knew
Just how much I have been thinking about you
How much you've been figuring on my mind
How much someone like you I've been meaning to find

Someone who gives off the aura of being homely and sweet
Someone sensible and mature
Someone like you I've been wanting to meet
That much is true, for sure

To be honest, at the start, you seemed kind of aloof
But it's understandable I guess-different teams, different tasks, even different booths
But I'd like to think that it all started with a raid
And the rest is history, just as how it is usually said

A raid at a private estate
With me and my teammates
Sometimes They all go out, leaving us alone
It was in this time that more about you was to me made known

Soon enough, as fate would have it, we would cross paths at work once again
Of which Added duties, and a stroke of luck would be the reason main
All over the island we roamed
And I also had the good fortune to be able to send you home

In this time, I got to know more about you
I find it to be a rather interesting journey, that much is true
Of late you've never been too far away from my mind
Well, to be honest, almost all of the time

A warm rush I feel
That much is real
An SMS, call, or just plain hearing from you
Somehow sets my pulse racing: really, it's true

Of myself I try not to get too far ahead
The slightest rush could, to Just about everything put paid
Caught up between possible feelings and losing you
I just wish just how you make me feel, you knew

History repeats itself, and I have an inkling that somehow I keep allowing it to do so.

--

2011-02-12T16:12:00.002+08:00

Your message left me with plenty to think about
But Where do I begin?
I observe that we have been fighting. A lot.
More in the past 5 weeks than we ever had in the whole of the 8 months we got to know one another prior.

The crux of the matter is time
Or its lack thereof
I get where you are coming from
Really, I do

Just because I don't display an outpouring of emotion
It doesn't mean that I don't care
I do acknowledge you, don’t I?
Isn’t that where the bring-you-to-meet-my-family-for-occasions comes into the picture?

I just prefer to keep a low profile with people I know but am not necessarily close to, like the online community, for example. Is it something hard to accept?
Likewise with the meetup
I'm okay if we don't meet because I know that the day will eventually come when we do
I have enough belief that we can hold out long enough and still make time to meet

I have to have that faith, especially in my settings
Maybe this is where we differ
You think I don't care
That I am nonchalant

That I have changed since we got 'together'
But I believe otherwise
I just feel that the experiences I have been through have tapered me into a much more measured person
I am more collected about my feelings and emotions now

I feel, but I don't necessarily show
I understand your desire to be close
I understand it completely
But having said that, I think there has to be some space too

Some space, some manner of independence
I need you to understand that I cannot see you 24/7
Or even most of the time
For I am working

And very irregular hours at that
I know it appears like I am using it as a reason so many times
You prolly think that I am making excuses
Especially when you think, "but others' jobs aren't like that"

But you know very well by now that my job isn’t like other people’s, don’t you?
If you remember, that was the main reason why I wanted to leave in the first place, wasn't it?
But I made a bout-turn on that
And you knew the consequences of such an about-turn

If you remember, I even told you of that, in jest, too
I would like to believe that I haven’t changed
You might perceive it as my having gone ‘bochap’
But why could you not see it as my faith in the relationship, knowing that it is stable enough to withstand the physical distance?

I am honestly at a loss as to what I can, or should, do
The only thing I have to show you would be what we have been through together
I have always been here, haven’t I?
Even when things were still very much one-sided (for you were treating me as a friend while I saw much more in you)

And I stayed, didn’t I?
Even as you took your time to decide?
Back then, we there were times when we didn’t meet too
We have had a bad one month (or 5 weeks)

I might be wrong, but my gut feel is that this has been plaguing your mind for quite some time now
Do you really what to give up everything, because of one bad month?
If you asked me, I would say that I don’t wish to

But if honestly feel like you want out, then you are entitled to feel that way.

I’m not going to cry,
And I won’t beg you to stay
If you’re determined to leave,
I will not stand in your way

Maybe, I am not skilled enough to ride on your immaturity
Maybe, I have not been able to maturely understand you
But a wise person once said, “You never get anywhere in life with ‘maybe’,”
I may not be able to read minds, but I would like to think that I can read words rather well.

And I have been reading your words, especially those which came in the past 5 weeks or so, over and again, since their precipitation.

You have made your stand rather clear, whether you realize it or not.

I apologize for having been a disappointment.

Ideals / Crossroads

2011-01-23T20:56:00.005+08:00

You wonder if one's ideals in life can ever be realized
You wonder if you are simply holding out for the unrealistic and impossible
Thinking, "there must be someone better out there,"
Not intending to "settle", so to speak

I am no exception
I have ideals
And somehow, my gut tells me that my ideals are less-than-ideal
Realistic ideals; an oxymoron if there ever was one

The last few have all been similar
All which put my fears at ease
My fears that I was subtly turning into a closet racist
Prolly due in part to an ostracization in the early ages

The ostracization was something I have never openly mentioned
Rather, all I did was to move further up north, with a touch of deviation
Uproot myself and start rebuilding from scratch, all over again
My identity was prolly forged in those years

So I found a new home, a new set of people
A new life, a new language
Mixing it up
Walking across bridges

All the while, the 'ideals' always crash and burn
They say, "never build castles in the sky"
I have since realized that they say that because should one do that, then those very castles would come crashing down on oneself like a flippin' ton of bricks
And that would hurt quite a fair bit, to be honest

But I have never been afraid to dream, I suppose
To perhaps attempt the audacious
Stick out my neck on the proverbial guillotine
For those causes which I believe in

So we crash and burn
Ad nauseum
To the point where I thought that I would prolly end up being desensitized
But being the wreck that I am, I have since realized that each and every crash, and the inevitable carnage that followed, would always be as though it was happening to me for the first time

And then, cruel and objectifying as it may sound
A 'safe' option presents itself
Wholesome, good, and everything that an investor would love
But we all have flaws

Sometimes doubts present themselves
And sometimes looking deeper, you realize that this is not a scenario which has not been played before
The plot appears to be the same, as are the props
Only the thespians are different

Sometimes, rumblings point to a deeper problem: Fault lines and what-have-yous
Cracks, perhaps
And then you try to dissect everything
And you are as puzzled as everyone else

Because everything else has been the same
The considerations, the consistency of the inconsistencies
And yet, this time, the fault lines are more prominent
They run deeper, too

In the meantime, things happen
Things that tug at your heartstrings, and ideals
Cynics will say that beginnings are always beautiful
But you know that certain things simply cannot be forced; as such, when you are lucky enough to see these pieces fall into place naturally, you know just how lucky you might be

There might be potential
For two individuals, seemingly equal in the intellectual stakes
A twinkle-eyed gaze here, and a sheepish laugh there
A warm smile; warmth whenever some time gets spent together, or even when contact is made

But therein lies the problem, for potential is a double-edged sword
Should the potential be realized, then a powerful entity, perhaps even a world-beating one might be formed
But should it not, then it would have fallen by the wayside not unlike so many other wasted others
Again, the uncertainty

I have to think for a lot more now
Families, friends, friends of friends
Relations which have since been formed
So much more now

And a lot lies ahead too
The uncertainty of everything
The very line which separated the ideal from the reality
A difference in Books

And so, a crossroads presents itself:
Having navigated through one in the past fortnight or so, I find myself approaching another crossroads
Where I take stock of everything that has happened thus far; everything that has been happening
This deep, dark secret

It might only end in failure and hearbreak.

The Becks n' Gaz Situation

2011-01-23T20:21:00.003+08:00

I am a Manchester United fan, and the team is very close indeed to my heart. I have been a fan for the last 18 years now, and following them intensively for the last 13. In that time, many players have come, (perhaps) even more so have left, but the club as an entity moves on (sometimes forward, sometimes backwards ) regardless.

At the prime of my teens was the United team of the late-90s. Filled with young, emerging talent whom the Gaffer felt were ready to be given a chance, to display their talents on the same pitch as the proverbial big boys. All of them eventually became international, and in their own right, United legends.

I will draw your attention to two of such players: Gary Neville and his best friend, David Beckham. Two men whose approach to their careers were markedly different, with differing results.

After the 2002-2003 season in which United reclaimed the title from the Arse's grasp, Becks was sold off to Real Madrid. It wasn't as though he was sent there unwillingly though: the bright lights of Madrid came calling and with his relations with Sir Alex frostier thanks to his Missus' desire to continually hog the limelight, he eventually left.

What followed was indeed a very eventful career: while he did not win many trophies post-United (his sole league title came with Real in 2006, his final season there), he did what not many of his peers can claim to do: he has played, and maintained his high levels of performance, furthermore with the likes of Real Madrid and AC Milan, two clubs which definitely score on the prestige stakes. Of course, in between was a stint with the LA Galaxy, where I felt he did well enough (although once again, lacking in the trophy count).

For Gary Nev (or rather, him, Scholesy and Giggsy), they chose to stay at the team (whether or not they had suitors in the transfer market), and although their roles in the team are slowly but surely grinding to an eventual stop, they have indeed experienced a fair bit too: while their experiences were not like Becks in that they experienced different lifestyles and cultures, they evolved from being young starlets, to stars in their own right, to the 'elder statesman' to guide the newer players. And in the meantime (with the exception of the 2004-2006 period), they have been winning trophies as well.

I suppose the same would apply to any other job: sometimes, we can only progress when we stay long enough at one particular place, and develop ourselves from there. In the interim, we would have to go through trials and tribulations aplenty, in this particular quest to progress. The only question to this approach would be, when does one know when to pull out, and perhaps start afresh? Not many people would be able to see at the end of the proverbial tunnel, to see if their unwavering loyalty and doggedness to one particular role, department or organization will bring about anything tangible at the day's end.

The other approach would be not unlike Becks' approach, where you rotate yourself, exposing yourself to different roles, departments or organizations. Doing so might make you a more all-rounded or complete professional, but it might also open you up to the 'a rolling stone gathers no moss' adage and you might not actually find yourself progressing, because you keep rotating yourself around.

Adventures (as in rotating of departments, organizations, roles) might be educational in their own right, but they might come at the expense of progress. And while adventures are always thrilling, one might also come unstuck during one such 'adventure'. And if one was actually doing rather well in the post prior to the 'adventure', it might hurt a wee bit more.

To stay on and slug it out, especially through the transition phase, or to expose myself to a different kind of work, which would be better?

I suppose each have their own set of pros and cons.

Staying where I am at and slugging it out might not even get me anything at the end of the day, judging from what I have seen from a policy point of view.

But I guess nothing is certain; the only certain thing in uncertainty, and the only consistent thing in this life is the inconsistency of it all.

And unlike the claims of the advert, even Smarties wouldn't have the answer to this, I'd imagine.

The last time I prayed that hard, God was kind enough to open up my mind and guide me from there.

Here's hoping it happens again, Insya-Allah.

2011-01-16T08:50:00.000+08:00

It always goes back to the same things
Time, and its management thereof
My schedule
The irregular one

I know it has been hard on you
What with my hours; the uncertain nature of my job
But it is my job after all
You knew about it the first time we got to know one another, no?

All I have always sought was your understanding
Of the fact that I am working
Irregular hours at that
And as such, certain things go along with this territory

Such as the fact that I cannot meet you every day
Or contact you all of the time
I won't use it as an excuse though
For a very simple reason: I still want to try

Is it not good enough to be able to get to meet?
That we make up for lost time whenever we get to meet?
That when we meet, we spend quality time with one another?
Is that not good enough?

I find it ironic
You seem to insinuate that i have commitment issues
Time and again, because the same issues keep cropping up
And to a stressed-up setting it helps not, I can assure you

But before you jump the gun to a conclusion,
The inevitable one which leads you to believe
That I am not making an effort, and perhaps, on a wider scale, am not committed,
Consider these points:

We've known one another for some time
And it took some time before we started heading out
And it took even more time before you finally came to a decision
I made mine a long time ago: even as you were still keeping things grey, unsure

I came to a decision long before you, and have always been around, even as you were still keeping things ambiguous.

I was there, every single step of the way.

That has to count for something, surely.

All I seek, and have ever sought, was some understanding.

--

2011-01-04T20:51:00.003+08:00

I am not one for heart-to-heart talks with my family members, not least my dad.

But today I had one such talk, for all of four hours.

At the end of the day, you need ask yourself only one question: "What is your passion; what makes you tick?"

Look deep within yourself; if you can answer that question convincingly, then the rest of your life will automatically fall into place.

"Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me." Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver (1976).

Nothing.

2010-12-10T21:12:00.003+08:00

For those who remain haunted, consciously or otherwise, be it through their own efforts or otherwise.

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling; but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'll never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there, trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love: but all I heard...

Was nothing.

Sometimes, love is intoxicating
When you're coming down, and your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting

She said nothing.

I wanted words, but all I heard was nothing.

I got nothing.

Nothing.

All for... nothing.

--

2010-11-16T00:43:00.002+08:00

It is amazing the amount of damage that one person can do
With the tap of a button, or a separation of the lips
An enunciations of an order of words
Or an articulation of the equivalent

'twas what happened to us all
for the second week in a row
a successive Sunday, to be exact
no less

the irony is not quite lost on me
for among the multitude of things which we do
we also, like cleaners, clean uo
after people who honestly cannot be even bothered to care

let alone care less.

we are not miracle workers, nor mind readers
so if you know nuts about what goes on in the lives of those supposedly closest to you,
or could not even be bothered to make the effort to
how can you expect that of others?

as a repeated occurence, you cannot simply claim that you did not see it coming
for that would be sheer bollocks
like those that can be used to hang you by
And yet, now you come to us, for a miracle

If you did see this coming, then for you to come to us for a miracle speaks volumes
about your inadequacies and incompetence, at the very least
And don't act like it is the fault of others should there be difficulty in locating them
Especially since they are your responsibility in the first place

Fuck you all.

World-Wide Web

2010-11-12T01:26:00.003+08:00

I had no idea that I could actually track the viewership of my blog. In twiddling and fiddling with the system, I did. And here's what I found out:

Pageviews by Countries

United States - 211
Singapore - 210
United Kingdom - 81
Canada - 18
Latvia - 16
Germany - 8
Spain - 8
Russia - 8
Sweden - 8
France - 7

I had no idea that people are actually following my writing ever since the inception of this column, so this is quite a pleasant surprise. Of sorts.

The World Wide Web, indeed. Quite literally, too.

You know.

2010-11-12T01:01:00.002+08:00

I’m thinking now’s the time
Maybe it's time to go
If I gave you my heart, be gentle
I’m tired of laying low; let's give the world a show

And when you know, you know.

You just know, you know.

.

2010-11-12T00:03:00.001+08:00

I know its not your fault, but I’m a locked door
Anytime I’m a mess, by someone before
And I wish that I could find a key
To unlock all the things that you want us to be

Let me open up and start again
But there’s a safe around my heart
I don’t know how to let you in
And that’s what keeps us apart

And that’s why,
I need time
I said I need you
I need you to understand

Call up the locksmith; tell him we need him quick
We’ve got a million keys; none of them seem to fit
While you're on the phone, call up the clocksmith
Cuz I could use some time, even the slightest bit

Let me open up and start again,
And break this safe around my heart
I don’t know how to let you in,
And that’s what keeps us apart

The proverbial key. Ever-elusive.

What weekend?

2010-11-08T00:43:00.000+08:00

It really is getting harder
I find myself getting jaded
And it is beginning to show
In everything

My perception of things
The way I think, talk, breathe
The way I act
The way I 'infect'

But the entire bloody system is wrong
You see, everyone is entitled to rest
A break, a rest-day, an off-day, a holiday
But not us

People seem to always have the perception that we must run 24/7
That we are always there, and subject to their beck and call and every request too
Conveniently forgetting that we are all humans too
With a life, family, friends, and also, a need to eat, breathe, think, go to the toilet and sleep

It's bad enough we get ordered around by everyone, and people take most of the credit for our work
But even Judges, Prosecutors and the Courts themselves have holidays, and can go on leave
Even Accused persons
Us, though?

Nary a peaceful night's sleep
Let alone to go away on holiday to unwind
Even if we do, someone has to stay behind to pick up the slack
And cover duties

The last week, we worked on a public holiday eve
Right up till the day after
And the Saturday which came next, a mandatory return
Then on Sunday, a recall

Everybody else had a long weekend
We had a next-to-none,bordering-on-the-non-existent weekend
And yet you ask why the resignation rates and stress levels are so high, and why morale levels are generally low
The facts that next-to-no appreciation nor recognition, not even some semblance of it, comes our way doesn't help either

And come Monday, back to work again.

Ad Nauseum.

Phui.

What am I doing all this for?

What's in it for me at the proverbial day's end?

My jadedness must be really catching up with me.

1 Year.

2010-10-05T00:31:00.002+08:00

I can be objective.

I can take things objectively; i see no need to take things personally.

But having said that, it can be very hard not to take things personally when the attacks you are hit with border on the personal.

It's actually very simple: if someone attacks you with a bit of information which only a few people know, surely that information is privilleged somewhat, no? Personal information, simply because it wouldn't be if a lot of people know about it.

I got my first personal attacks today. And I got blacklisted too.

No more tours at the top for me from now on.

It begets the same old question: where is the justice?

My team does the most work
Gets the most cases
The largest volume of cases
Try a few hundred

But we are all only human
We cannot be everywhere at once
Three men over twenty-four hours, over thousands (maybe even millions) of square kilometres
So we just do our best

And yet, in spite of that, what happens?
Still kena
Cannot do everything 100%, so we give about 60% for everything
Then we get asked: how come never do properly

We go without food and drink and sleep for the whole tour
Run this, run that
After-tour, still run the cases some more
It hit 40-odd hours without food and drink and sleep yesterday

But who cares?
We still get pummeled
Hit left, right and centre
For everything that we didn't do

In spite of our best efforts to do as much as we can.

And what do I get in spite of doing everything? Nothing.

I don't even have something to measure against the sacrifice I have to put it, just to see if the sacrifice I have to make is a proportionate one.

I get nothing, but I am expected to give a lot more. A whole lot more.

And for what?

For nothing.

I complete my one year in this vocation today.

Rest assured it has been a most educational and enriching, but even more definitely most stressful and depressing, year indeed.

I hope to leave. Hopefully God will help me out.

Everything Changes.

2010-09-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

there was a time when all i wanted to do, was to be the best at what i did
and that entailed being a good copper
a complete copper, in every sense of the word
one who was adept in his duties and knowledgeable of the entire legal process in Singapore

which led me to my next posting
where i got to see for myself, first-hand
when i initiated proceedings against the guilty parties
reacting to developments as they came

but i saw more than just the entire legal process
or the entire chain of evidence
i also saw the politicking, the entire big picture, so to speak
the picture of the organization as a whole

and then it hit me.

it is not proportionate, not in the slightest
the amount of work that gets put in by myself and my peers
and what we get in return
or even how we are all evaluated

why work at a place where you are bound to be doing the most work,
the work most relevant to the core functions of the organization?
why do all that?
especially when at the end of the day, you are being evaluated equally?
evaluated the same as someone in a different vocation, whose duties might not have even an iota of relation to the core function of Policing as a whole?

who does what
who gets ahead
who does not
the entire process, i get to see

the sleepless nights, burnt weekends
the leave-work-late-but-report-to-work-early periods
the minimum-of-13-hour-work-days-6-days-a-week periods
the 24-hrs-but-bordering-on-40 hrs duties
the sleep and food (or lack or total non-existence thereof)

there was a time when all i wanted to do, was to be the best at what i did
and that entailed being a good copper
a complete copper, in every sense of the word
one who was adept in his duties and knowledgeable of the entire legal process in Singapore

There was a time when I wanted to simply stay and fight it out for my future prospects. To be one of the select few to cross over into the ‘other’ ranks.

But after one year in my post, and having hit the pinnacle of my post, as well as considering how I am being viewed with regards to my long-term prospects, I have decided otherwise.

that the sacrifice i would have to make, as well as the fact that even after all the sacrifice, i would still not be guaranteed a spot on the ‘other’ side, would simply be disproportionate.

things change. people change. environments change. everything changes.

I am no exception.

I actually have a proper life now.

And I am not going to give it up just like that.

--

2010-09-12T23:33:00.001+08:00

I haven’t written in a long time now. The last time I wrote? About four months ago. I never wanted to publish something solely for the sake of keeping up with a routine or schedule. I want to write when I feel that I have something to express, something significant. To write when I feel, for lack of a better word, inspired. In layman terms, the ‘feel’ has to be right. Nothing less will do. From a writing perspective, I suppose I have always been temperamental that way.

So much has happened in the last four months. I completed my tertiary education, I experienced the roller-coaster ride of emotions in seeing my job prospects taking a turn here and there, and I also witnessed developments in the lives of the people around me.

People. For me, the people around me are the dearest to me. For some people, it might be a material possession. For some, it might be a memory, or a feeling. But for me, the people around me are the most important to me. I have never been one for too many (spoken) words. I think quite a fair bit. And today’s events have set me thinking once again.

We had guests over today, in the form of me dad’s siblings. And seeing as to how I would turn a quarter-century tomorrow, me folks had a cake brought in for good measure, and we all celebrated the occasion (albeit a day in advance). And it was nice. I suppose it is always nice having the people you hold dear around you to celebrate such an occasion with.

I know that I am lucky. I have many things to be thankful for. Physically, mentally and emotionally I am fairly healthy, my family (immediate and extended) is still very much intact, and my two best friends whom I hold dear are still around for me. Granted, I will hold me hands up and admit that we do not keep in touch as often as a stereotypical tweeter would tweet, but I believe that the bonds are strong enough to remain as they are, irrespective of the frequency of contact.

I am not ashamed to say that I burn bridges. It sounds overly-harsh or critical, but I do. Have you ever had a situation whereby you bump into someone you haven’t seen or heard from in ages (mainly due to a lack on effort on both your parts), but when you do, then somehow they try to get all chummy? I just find it weird in a way, simply because if one can disappear and be out of sight (and therefore out of mind) for such a time, how can one just forget that and get all chummy, as though one has never been away (this doesn’t quite apply to ‘special’ and/or best friends I suppose, at the very least, people with whom one has ‘chemistry’).

Anyway, yes: I do burn bridges. Simply because I think, if two parties make it a point to leave one another out of their respective lives, then surely things have to stay that way unless there is some significant development to effect change. Otherwise, I think it can all get a tad pretentious (and one can usually see through such a situation, I feel).

It has taken me quite a while to get it right. Well, try twenty-five years. In this time, I suppose I have done quite a bit, especially in getting that much-elusive (for me at least) balance between school, work, and social life. I do not think it is such an issue for work and school, simply because if one works hard enough at the two, one should see the rewards come in soon enough (although I have since come to realize that work is much more complicated than that, what with inter-personal relationships and politicking all playing a part as well). But for the social life portion, it is a fair bit more.. dependent on factors beyond one’s control.

I watched ‘Syurga Cinta’ yesterday, if only for that cute wee boy and his expressions. But him aside, there was an old man (the protagonist’s girlfriend’s grandad) who raised a few pertinent points, specifically about the ‘jodoh’ part. He raised three points:

(i) ‘jodoh daripada syaitan’ (fate brought about by the Devil) - the point where one meets who one would deem to be ‘the one’. But they are united by somewhat dodgy circumstances - in this case, through forbidden means (eg pre-marital sex), before the official union in the form of marriage.

(ii) ‘jodoh daripada jin’ (fate brought about by a Genie / Djinn) - when one meets a person whom one deems to be ‘the one’, but whereby one’s feelings are not initially reciprocated. And then one gets the other to reciprocate through similarly forbidden means, such as sorcery.

(iii) ‘jodoh daripada Allah’ (fate brought about by God) - a situation whereby one meets ‘the one’, and things simply develop to the extent whereby a union is formed through lawful (religion-wise, at least) means.

Far be it for me to lay the blame at the foot of someone else, but looking back at what has happened (for me at least), I suppose I have had my fair share of fate from the Djinn. And cliched as it is, perhaps my past has indeed made me who I am today. Perhaps it is one main reason why I get to appreciate the good times fully now, simply because they weren’t so good some time ago. All those times when I kept my head and managed to take a step back and fully analyze the situation (when all I wanted to do was to fall apart), I guess it was just God’s gift to me, a gift of resilience. And yes, cliched as it is, everything does indeed happen for a reason.

It took me twenty-five (almost) years for me to get it right. To complete school, to fully appreciate the people around me (something I am ashamed to admit), to find that peace within (on the emotional front). I would like to think that I am there, thereabouts at the very least (not least because I am still looking for that job). I am still striving to find that much-elusive balance, and I will prolly keep going at it for as long as I shall live.

And so concludes my piece. Looking back, it seems as though I have rambled and ranted on for quite a bit. Oh well. In gist, the people who matter won’t mind, and those who mind, won’t matter. Sometimes, we just can’t seem to figure out why some developments take place. And sometimes, we never will. And that sometimes, burning bridges is the best way for one to walk on, to walk away, and stay away.

My biggest wish for this year? The same every year, and then some: I pray that the people I love remain happy, healthy, blessed and contented, always. And should I be one of those who make it to heaven, that everyone there is within a stone’s throw of the people they love.

Nothing quite like having the people you love around you, I feel.

--

2010-05-28T00:05:00.007+08:00

And so it has ended. I am not too sure about the exact figures for my viewership, but in the event that any of you were waiting for a post, I apologize for being scant. The last few weeks have been torrid for me simply because:

(i) my job nowadays is all about uncertain hours, every single hour
(ii) I have been rushing with examinable projects (done singly)
(iii) I have been preparing for my exams, which ended earlier this morning.

The last few weeks have also set me thinking, about a lot of things. Following which, I have made a decision.

I used to think that I would be able to be among those who made it. After all, a story about fighting off adversity and rising through from the bottom to make one's way to the top would make for a rather compelling story for the grandkids. However, in evaluating what I would have to go through, as well as the overwhelming uncertainty of it all, I have decided otherwise.

The past month or so has brought a lot of things into perspective. For one, I slog, plough and plod through each day, together with my peers. We fight the proverbial fires every single day. And that includes weekends, public holidays, even during moments when we are out with our loved ones, or, worst of all, coming back off a tour of duty(with no sleep registered yet). Every single flippin' day, and every single hour of each flippin' day. Granted, I chose to make the jump into unchartered territory (for myself at least) when I made this move over. But surely it has to count for something.

My peers and I are doing something which three-quarters of the organization do not wish to and / or are too afraid to do. I had the guts to take this up, unlike some of the so-called favoured "blue-eyed boys". And so, I slog. And work like a dog, with my peers helping me along the way. And for what? I do all that has been required. I have never gotten myself into any trouble. I contribute back to the organization. I have fulfilled all the necessary criteria. And yet, when push came to shove, I got passed up on. It might be all too easy to think that I am simply ranting following this episode, but I would say that this episode has brought some new light to my eyes.

I used to believe in myself. I used to believe that in spite of the small probability, the minute numbers of those who "made it", I used to believe that I could be like them. But after doing as I have done, for this time period, and yet realizing that I have been passed up on, it feels odd. Odd because I know I have come a long way now; my recent vocation giving me a thorough education, making me professionally complete. And yet, in spite of having come so far, to get passed up on simply feels like an almighty slap to the face. It got me thinking.

Why stay when I am obviously not valued? If I cannot even attain something at a "standard" rate, then how am I going to "make it"? Clearly my career path has since been cast in stone, and if I am being honest then I know that I will not attain the standards which I have aspired to reach. Because if I were amongst those with "high potential", or with the propensity to "make it" or to cross over, I would have already attained the level I was seeking by now, at the designated "standard rate". Instead, I get passed up upon. It all seemed so promising a few months ago, with a good grade for me. And yet, once the entire exercise was over, everything has now come to naught (for me at least).

Now I see why people in similar circumstances such as me leave. But I did one thing even they did not do: I chose to slug it out at my current post. I know that should I leave, a certain stigma will be attached to me: that of the 'typical' lad on the 5-year deal, who will leave at the earliest opportunity. All I can say to such cynics is that you have not been through what I have, nor had the balls to do what I have done. Let's put it this way: even long-time veterans of the organizations who have yet to step into my department don't dare to do so. So it might provide some insight on the nature of my work. You lot would not be in a position to judge, to be honest. So Fuck You lot then.

Having said that though, I am glad. I am glad because I made full use of my deal to learn as much as possible. I spent half a year in training, three-and-a-half years working and cleaning the streets, doing frontline duties, and at the moment, I am serving out the remainder of my deal doing my bit to solve crimes, bring perpetrators to justice and ensure that justice is administered to all parties involved. I am working at a post which is at the heart of the organization, and is the very essence of and central to the organization as a whole. It gets very tiring, especially since work effectively eats into my own life (as well as that of my peers). But my previous boss was right: no one can take away the knowledge that I have away from me. Professionally, I am as complete as the rest of them. Fuck your typical 'blue-eyed boy' office-hour post people whose job scopes have not one iota of Policing involved. I worked the streets once, and now I am taking it one step further by completing the entire chain of the entire legal process. I am as complete a copper as you can find. I even managed to pursue further studies in my time here (hopefully graudate too, God Willing), studying something I was interested in.

All in all, I don't think anyone can bedgrudge me my decision. I have done my time in the organization, and I would like to think that I have contributed quite a fair bit to both the organization as well as the society as a whole. While ideally I would have stayed, I have thought about what I would have to go through, as well as the events of the last month or so, and the very nature of this life itself, and all that has led me to a conclusion: I will leave when my deal runs out in the summer, with only the exact date being the question mark.

I found solace in the interview with the outgoing (now former) legal bigwig. I remember the words he used in the interview with a tabloid paper, and I found his words to resonate with what I was feeling.

I would say that I have come to the point where I don't quite enjoy this anymore. It feels as though I am doing this simply because there is a job to be done. And unlike any other job, one can never whittle down the number of jobs to be done down to zero. The next job is always round the proverbial corner, possibly econds away. Plus, there's always 'cold' cases as well. The worst part of it all? Everyone is resigned to it, simply because this is the very nature of a copper's job.

The last couple of weeks have been nice. I have been able to get some peace of mind (in spite of having to study for my exams) and physical rest, and I would say that I have missed them greatly, especially the former. As a result, the incurable disease which I have been afflicted with is also slowly clearing up. It feels nice to lead a 'normal' life once again. I realize that I haven't had this in years, quite possibly since the last decade.

And so you have it. In essence, when I walk away at the end of my curent deal, perhaps one can summarise my decision as being made based on the following:

i) that I was not valued enough
ii) I just want a normal life once again, nothing too 'extraordinary'
iii) health reasons

with (i) and (ii) being the main principles of course. I suppose now I can understand how Tevez felt when his United deal was coming to a close, and the club not deciding yet on whether or not to pay him. Although they eventually made the payment, including an improved offer for personal terms at the season's end, he chose to leave (I still think he is a Judas, but that is for another piece, for another time).

It's all about the principle really. Even if I got an improvement from the organization now, I wouldn't be able to stay, simply because I know that I wasn't valued enough in the first place. I am hardly one to be egoistic, but I am not thick enough in the skull to be able to take a hint and I am, like most people, surely too good to be anyone's second (or third, or 7,893rd) choice. It is as simple as that really.

Not too many people read this page (I would assume), so in the event that you hear some news about my next course of action, I suppose you can remember where you first got wind, albeit the broadest hints yet.

My next move? I will prolly just do the necessary, and walk away when the sun sets on my current deal. And then, I will let my mind have the longest break that it has had in a while.

For now though, I will just detach myself from everything, be as professional as I can in seeing out the remainder of my deal, discharging my duties as professionally as I can in the process.

Kiss Goodbye. Mine.

2010-03-06T23:58:00.000+08:00

I draw parallels with Ruud
For one, we both still have loads more to give
We would both like to think that we have never disappointed whenever we were called upon
And we went about performing our duties with a splendid mixture of heart-on-sleeve effort and pulling-a-rabbit-out-of-the-hat, mercurial talent

Our respective tenures have hardly been the longest
But they have most certainly been enriching and educational experiences
I have nothing bad to say about my tenure
On the other hand, I am most grateful that it materialized

Recent times have been hard
And I have not been afforded opportunities as much as I was before
Nevertheless, I just kept plugging, ploughing and plodding away
Giving my everything and possibly more, especially when the opportunities, if any, came by

But I suppose we all need a certain element of luck and fate to go our way
No matter how much we seem to have going for us
I am not exempt from this logic
The way this episode panned out has seen to that

It would have been nice to have things go my way for once
To have things go uphill instead of down
Especially in the wake of certain firsts, milestones perhaps
It would have been nicer; I suppose the fact that it was nice all along, and will always be a nice memory, would make for some consolation, scant though it may be

I would like to think that in my stint has been far from negative
That I have moved you, touched you, connected with you, enough
Impressed you, made you feel for me, bond with me
Appreciate me perhaps, as much as I appreciated you

Hopefully the pleasant surprises I gave you outnumbered the unpleasant ones, if any at all.

The writing has been on the wall for me, for quite some time now
In fact, all that was left to be done was to actually decipher its actual meaning
I have to admit: sometimes, when it seemed flickering and dying, you brought it back to life
But I suppose better to clear the air than to hang in uncertainty perhaps

During which the flames were doused and put out altogether, leaving nary a glowing splint behind.

I felt it; this twinge in my heart
It felt like goodbye
It felt like I had been released from you
Like the end

It would be all too easy to feel sorry for myself
And probably take time out to just sit down, reflect, and breathe
Before letting the proverbial dam burst
And let my salty tears moisten their ducts, and quite possibly, my cheeks

I feel like I have been literally split in two
On one hand, I feel like surrendering to my emotions, and any innate physiological reactions they might incur
And yet, on the other hand, I know full well what it is that I need to do
Some added perspective then, perhaps

So this is it, then
As I make my way out onto the proverbial turf one last time
I wave, with both my hands
To all four corners of the proverbial ground

With both hands, I dedicate to you kisses
And with my right hand, I tap on my heart
If only to tell you just how meaningful and lovely my stint with you has been
Touching the very core of my heart no end

As I make my way off the proverbial turf, reality sinks in
This really is goodbye, even as the handshakes pour in and the applause continues to ring in my ears
This really is goodbye
The concluding of one more chapter; an entire episode perhaps

I believe that I have thanked you enough times already, even though I know it will never be enough
How can they, when you think about all that you have done for me?
And yet, as I am making my way off the proverbial turf, I realize that I have one more thing to say
Even though I might have never said it explicitly, I would like to think that you know me, and my writings, enough to find the underlying currents of life bursting underneath the seemingly-serene proverbial water surface

So I will say it now then.

I Love You.

But for now, I shall surrender to my tears.

Leper.

2010-03-06T18:58:00.001+08:00

I find myself in a peculiar position
Which I have found after finding my thoughts roam for the umpteenth time
Peculiarity comes over me
As I try to make sense of it all

Mentally, I have already attuned myself
To the new environment, the loads and responsibilities that it carries with it
And yet, while I might have adapted mentally, after the initial breakdown,
My body suggests otherwise, even as I type this

You see, dear reader, not many people know this about me for a fact
But I am afflicted with an incurable disease
One for which there is no cure; which I cannot see an end to
It is all getting more and more tiring by the day, if you ask me

For I have been fighting it so hard, for so long, so much so that I might even be considered an expert on the matter.

You see, dear reader, nobody knows how this condition came about
Not even the learned doctors, for all the tests that they have run on me, can tell
For all those times when I turned into a guinea pig
Albeit a lanky, stringy one, to be given this dose and that dose

There is no cure in sight for this disease; the best I can do is to keep it under wraps with close supervision
But there are times when certain factors aggravate it, and cause it to rear its ugly head
Quite literally, too
And it all gets absolutely depressing

I look, feel, and probably smell like a leper.

And in spite of the language I use and manner of articulation, I most certainly am not exaggerating.

--

2010-02-09T22:39:00.002+08:00

I've made up my mind
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know: this is love

But if i tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what i need to do
If I were to end up with you

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waiting as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle

Could this be it?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?
Would it be a waste, even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

I wish I knew.

Although well deep inside my cynical heart I prolly already do.

Parallel-Drawing

2010-02-07T23:36:00.002+08:00

I had a good game today. Not the best of weathers, nor the best of starts. Especially when you consider that for the first time in the entire season, the opponent actually scored first. Having some flak thrown right into my face by a team-mate was quite uncalled for too, I felt, especially considering what I had been doing before that. But still, I’m glad the lads and I recovered well enough, and used our experience, discipline and capabilities to win the game in the end, cementing our place at the top of the table and our 100% record in the process.

Wes was right after all: I remember him saying in an interview once ago that sometimes all is takes is one of those 50-50, blood-and-thunder challenges to get the blood flowing to the brain, before all the memories come flooding back. Meaning to say, sometimes it takes one of these challenges to kickstart oneself into match mode. Perhaps it did ring true, this saying.

After I made the first of such tackles I suddenly remembered everything. What it meant, or took, to be a centre-half. Of course, it helped to be playing there in the first place. But it all flowed naturally from there. I have always been accused of being too… ‘nice’, even in the process of marking. Today there was a touch more aggro about me I suppose. Not to toot me own horn, but it was nice to have everything go my way for once: having a beating out of everyone else in the air and on the ground, not getting outpaced, winning balls… and most delightfully using my gangly, stringy, lengthy limbs to good effect, combined with some game-reading bits and timely positioning, of course. The touch of aggro to see my go flying in thick, hard and fast probably shocked some perhaps. The fact that I completed all my passes and had a hand in those of the penetrative, long, over-the-top variety was nice as well.

And then it got me thinking. I am hardly built like a Spartan. A bean or bamboo pole perhaps, but hardly a Spartan. I prefer to stand on my feet as opposed to going diving in. I’m no Beckenbauer; I am quite unable to waltz my way around. But I do, however, favour the penetrative pass over a hoofed clearance any time of the day.
So perhaps, I would like to think of myself as a tad more cultured in that respect.

I have always worked hard: among other things, at developing my intellectual capacities. Working hard at, and excelling through, basics. Fine-tuning my adaptability and versatility in the process. I ply my trade as a utility man:
across the backline, perhaps the anchor, and even upfront, anywhere I would be required to fill in. That’s just me. Team-mates before self, but team before team-mates. I remember that quote once ago and it has stayed with me since.

But for all the various roles I can fill in, I was perhaps born a centre-half.
At the very least, it would be what is second nature to me [perhaps the fact that it is the first position I learnt how to play in-depth could have something to do with it]. For all this talk about versatility, finesse and even the demands of the modern game, some things do not quite change: In spite of the game moving on by the decade, the developments of which has seen more ball-playing players all round, especially from the back.

Centre-halves have always been good at, at the very least, this one particular aspect. No matter how articulate on the ball they are, or no matter how they may waltz around the pitch. Just like the traditional fox-in-the-box they always face, centre-halves have always been good at one thing. Even if they happen to have the touch of a wooden bench, there is this one thing that centre-halves are excellent at doing.

They battle.

Perhaps I should just roll up my sleeves and get stuck in.

My life has always been one big battle anyway. Perhaps it’s time for me to wise up to that reality and get on with things.

Though I sense another backs-to-the-wall, battling but ultimately valiant effort coming, I suppose there really isn't going to be any other way.

Not least for me.

If you only knew

2010-02-07T04:03:00.000+08:00

If you only knew
How I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you

If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you

I still hold onto the letters.

I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03
I can't sleep without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe in is you

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong

If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go
Even when you're gone

I don't regret any of the days I spent, or nights we shared.

Or the letters that I sent, and wrote.

If you only knew.

Not least, about the torrential currents underlying beneath the seemingly-tranquil surface.

Thoughts. Run. Marathon.

2010-02-03T00:38:00.002+08:00

My thoughts run their course
Much like a river, or its tributaries, would
In spite of being suggested to think and reflect less, and instead to act and feel more
I find myself doing the latter two more, to the letter in fact, but the former two are as part of my makeup as the mole on the right side of my face

Sometimes all it takes is some alone time
On the trip back home, or even as I plough away at the workplace
Ventilation, before being eventually precipitated by articulation
The ambiguity and defamiliarization of the expression perhaps being my way of literary creativity

'twas what had been taught in school, anyway.

The sound of the waves seek to soothe the battered mind
Even as they themselves pound away at the hapless shoreline
Although at times, depositing material on it as opposed to depleting it
Perhaps letting one's mind run laps works in a similar way too

Losing one's train of thought at times, but gaining fresh perspective, and perhaps inspiration at others.

I have always been a proponent of the belief that we can never help the way we feel
Or the physiological-psychological innate reactions our respective bodies might engage in as a result of those feelings
Even though we can, and still should, maintain control of our course of actions in spite of those feelings
Hard as it may be as we grapple with our emotions, and in essence, ourselves

Sometimes I opine that it never rains, but it pours
And sometimes, even the most plastic raincoat or the umbrella with the widest diameter cannot protect oneself
What can you do when shelter is at a premium?

Perhaps the answer would be to just soak it in
So soaked one might end up being, well soaked to the skin
How do you break something that has well been broken?
How do you hang high someone who has well been choked?

Sometimes, we don't learn from our mistakes.

And sometimes, we have no choice but to walk away.

Sometimes, tears say all there is to say.

And as a result, by the River Piedra I will sit, and weep the tears that precipitate the [my] perrenially interminable heartache[break].

Thoughts

2010-01-27T21:33:00.005+08:00

Like an epiphany it struck me, out of the blue
All of a sudden, all the pieces fell oh-so-perfectly, nicely into place
The completed picture staring back at me was not quite the favourable one I had hoped for, that much is true
But the cold, hard, ugly, bitter truth I will still have to, in the end, man up to, and face

An entire amalgamation of contradictions, oxymorons and their ilk
Sit inside me; making me feel
All I end up with is nothing but neither-here-nor-there-ness
Where my only saving grace is an amended [attempted, anyway] perspective and/or perception, before the proverbial bubble bursts

Confused? Lost? Puzzled? Perhaps.
My mind does the proverbial running, doing so in interminable laps
I wonder what it is that I should do
Ironic that I should think that, when this development is anything but new

Sometimes I just feel so alone.
Alone, helpless, resigned perhaps... and yet, I still go ahead and clash head-on with it all, no matter that it is more than a mismatch, against me
[I'm definitely dumb]... Maybe numb, and yet I still feel
The only way I know how to: Intensely.

But still, it hurts. Badly.
So much so all I want to do is bawl my eyes out.
But I can't. Not when all I have is a lump in my throat [Adam's Apple notwithstanding] and this gutted feeling in my hollow chest.
Funny how I always seem to lord everything to myself.

But I suppose my fairly-broad shoulders should be able to carry the burden. They have always been able to do so anyway, not least for the last quarter-century.

And yet, like someone attempting self-pysiotherapy on a knotted blood clot, I cannot quite seem able to put my finger on the problem.

The stars lean down to kiss you; I lie awake and miss you.

As many times as I blink, I'll think of you tonight.

Every night.

Because when I think of you I don't feel so alone.

Such thoughts are all that I have really.

From Yours Truly. To You.

2010-01-26T22:27:00.004+08:00

If there's anything that you want
If there's anything that I can do
Just call on me, and I'll send it along
With love, from me to you

I've got everything that you want
Like a heart that is oh-so-true
Just call on me, and I'll send it along
With love from me to you

I've got arms that long to hold you
And keep you by my side
I've got lips that long to kiss you
And keep you satisfied

So if there's anything that you want
Or if there's anything that I can do
Just call on me, and I'll send it along
With love, from me to you

From Me, to You.

Vanilla Twillight

2010-01-19T22:33:00.002+08:00

This is quite possibly one of the sweetest songs I have heard in quite a while. So a dedication then, perhaps.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

I do wish you were here: sometimes, most times, all of the time.

But when I come to think of it, when I think of you, I don't feel so alone.

Perhaps that is what tides me over at times.

Albatross Off

2010-01-19T22:17:00.002+08:00

It seemed destined for failure
For a variety of reasons
It didn't seem like I was quite going to make it
Why?

I felt that I didn't have enough rest
The game over the weekend was a physically hard one
I ended up with pain in the bone in my sidefoot
Pain I last felt some 12 years ago, when my feet were getting accustomed to an increased frequency and intensity of football

The day started off as a chilly one
My limbs felt as though they were imbued with lead
I felt like I was trudging through it all
I didn't feel hopeful at all, truth be told

But this time, there were some differences.

Maybe it was because of a change in the person sending out the email
Maybe it was my immediate supervisor coming down to support us through
Maybe it was because of my own grades for the respective stations
Or maybe it was just how yesterday ended

In your most pleasureable company.

Today it all came off for me really
The Breathing, the rhythm
Even in the final lap when I felt a twinge in my hamstrings
I got away with it

And then it happened.

Crossing the finishing line, I ended up looking sideways
Just like how a centre forward would do a linesman upon tucking the ball away into the back of the net from a debatable position
I looked, and my heart stopped for a moment
Ironic, when you consider how furiously it had been beating just seconds before

And then I saw it
By a whisker, I made it
Not much to crow about, but something I am grateful for nonetheless
And then it happened

In a split-second reflex, I reacted
Somehow I ended up doing a "goal celebration" of own
So imagine the sight when in spite of my lack of breath, I still managed to run a wee bit more
And then take to the skies and punch the air

Such humour.

Of course, I felt like dying once again after it all.

Most importantly, the proverbial albatross is off my back for now.

But it was nice how everything came off today. From my boss coming down, to the cool weather, to the pace that had been set for me in the initial stages.

And to thinking about / of you, even as I was running my course. =p

Homecoming

2010-01-17T23:03:00.003+08:00

Today was another homecoming for me
When I returned to the place where I last set foot in some nine years ago
Where many memories were made
Where I grew up

It was odd, how the memories came floding back
Even though I didn't get to enter the bulding; instead only using a small annexed portion of the compound
But still, the memories came flooding back
And were as fresh as the early morning dew, as though they had never been away to collect dust

I remember the spot where my skin tore, and the wound went so deep a keloid formed
The area where I used to study after hours
The shed where we did footdrills
Sheepishly, some cheesy memories came floding back even as the game was ongoing

Like how I once slid on the turf and professed my love to someone who would eventually leave me for another person
How I met someone who had a substantial, significant impact on my life for the first time
And how we had a heated exchange on the usage of the school's facilities
And perhaps, how it all developed from there

I spent four years growing up at this place
All the more significant when considering the rough battles as a wee boy in pre-teen
Having uprooted myself to move miles westwards, to start anew
Where I re-studied life's lessons, with an all-new set of proverbial glasses as well

Thankfully the game went well
A hard game, no doubt
Quite literally, too: quite a fair bit of knocks for all our lads
A different game from what we were used to

But I suppose there was learning value in this game, like all others
We fought for the right to play, and we did well enough to play and earn the three points
In spite of coming away with a hurting butt-cheek and a pained metatarsal
In spite of a shortage of people

It was a rather gratifying experience in the end
Not least for the manner in which the points were earned
For me though, the occasion held added significance as well
It was nice to be back

I was reminded of the entire growing up process I underwent while I was there, the process which made me into the person that I am today.

And for such of life's lessons, I doubt one will ever forget them.

All in all, coupled with the points in the bag, I would say it was wonderful to be back indeed.

--

2010-01-13T22:30:00.003+08:00

Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
So I went and let you blow my mind

Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided,
You're The One, I have decided

The One, who is one of my kind.

Just in time
I'm so glad you have a one-track mind, like me
A game show-love kind of connection
You gave my life direction

This I cannot deny.

I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my chest

I believe in you, and I'm always going to want to blow your mind.

I don't want to miss a single thing you do.

The way you can't cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug [I'll ever need]
You're so gangsta, I'm so thug: You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see, I can be myself now finally
In fact, there's nothing I can't be

I would like for the world to see you be with me.

2 vs 1

2010-01-11T22:33:00.003+08:00

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey! You know, this could be something,"
Because everything you do and the words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away

But now, I'm left with nothing.

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
But when I close my eyes and drift away, I think of you and everything's okay

And finally, Now we're leaving.

So, maybe it's true: I can't live without you
Well, maybe two is better than one
There's so much time to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking: maybe, two is better than one.

Falling.

2010-01-11T22:26:00.002+08:00

I don’t know but I think I may be falling for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I know you better

I am trying not to tell you
But I want to; I’m so scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about you
I’ve been waiting all my life; now I've found you
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you

The fall in itself is always quite an experience. What becomes of oneself after the metaphorical landing is pretty much another proposition altogether though.

But still, perhaps one should make the most of experiencing this particular descent.

"Think Less, Act More. Reflect Less, Experience More." =)

A. Lone.

2010-01-10T23:43:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I just feel so alone
When I come face-to-face to the truth
The cold, stark truth of it all
Which serves to wake me up

To awaken, and not only look, but also to see.

Cold, the truth is
And awakening it is indeed
Like a cold shower in the wee hours of the morning
Or the stinging sensation one feels when gingerly touching cold metal

Like frostbite.

And I awaken to the truth
I wonder if it has nothing better to do
Than to stalk me
Like a predatory Big Cat in the vast Savannah

Before pouncing on me when I am alone.

Sometimes, I just feel like crying it out
All this pain within
Of being disconsolate, dejected, and distraught
Despondent, dispirited and downcast

In a word, crestfallen, perhaps.

Life has been a very tough school to attend for me
I get a very good education, admittedly
But the administering of the knowledge unto me has always been painful
For I always learn the hard way

Although some may argue that it is often the best way to learn: for that way, indelible marks are left behind on oneself, seeking to forever remind oneself of the lesson in itself.

So what I have is a decent bit of knowledge
Knowledge to share with others perhaps, or write about
Perhaps that way, I can help others
And make a difference from there

I just wish it didn’t have to be me all of the time.

But I try
Not to feel too sorry for myself too much
To just get on with things
To keep an open mind, to be philosophical

But I suppose, I am only human after all.

I have since resigned myself to some facts of life; specifically, my life rather
Accept, react, and then adapt has become quite the slogan to apply
I still roam, however: in my mind, literally, figuratively
Not quite unlike a member of the undead, if you asked me

The types that have had their bodies rejected by the soil of the earth.

But for all the social support I apparently have [and am appreciative for], I suppose I still very much play the part of the lone wolf to perfection.

--

2010-01-08T01:05:00.001+08:00

Time, is going by
So much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of here with you

Now I'm wondering why
I've kept this bottled inside
So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands
'Cause forever I believe
That there's nothing I could need but you

So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know:

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

--

2010-01-07T00:59:00.001+08:00

I spend my time just thinking bout you
Every single day
Yes, I'm really missing you
And all those things we tend to do

I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where to go, just tell me where you wanna meet
I'd navigate myself to take me where you'd be

Because girl, I want you right now
I'd travel uptown; I travel downtown
Wanna have you around every single day
I love you always; I'll meet you halfway

Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I
I will fly the skies, for you and I
I will try, until I die, for you and I

Can you meet me halfway?
Right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait
For you

I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I'll be lookin' out, night and day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay

--

2010-01-04T22:32:00.005+08:00

I never thought I'd be in love like this
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip
I never thought I'd fall for you as hard as I did
You got me thinking about a life, a house, and maybe even kids

Every morning, I look at you. And I can't help but smile. =)

Then you came in, and knocked me on my face
Feels like in I'm a race, but I already won first place
Now I'm crashing: don't know how it happened, but I know it feels so good
If I could go back, I'd make it happen faster

Don't you know that I would if I could?

Sometimes love comes around, and at the same time, it knocks you down. Hard.

Well, you just get back up when it knocks you down.

It's never a cakewalk, but still. [We'll] just to get on with things then.

Intellectual Attractions

2010-01-04T00:02:00.002+08:00

I quite like intellectual attractions
I think they make for rather gratifying sensations
The thrill of exploring the wit of one another
Getting lost in their mind, and they in yours

Inferring and reading in between the lines
As you analyse their manner of articulation
As well as the content itself, of course
Is very much a challenge in itself, but its reward is rather… well worth it, to put it simply

It is never easy to discover intellectual attraction though, I feel
It is hard enough to find an individual with a certain level of intellectual capabilities
Let alone to find one whose capacities attract you so
And even then, it is just the beginning

A lot of many other factors come into play after that
But for most of these factors, a compromise can pretty much be brought to
Just like managing the burn patterns of a fire
Getting it to start, with the spark, is the hardest thing really

But once it starts, in spite of the origins or surroundings of that fire, sometimes the fiercest of infernos will start raging, and blazing.

Idealistic Perfectionism.

2010-01-03T23:41:00.003+08:00

Life in itself is hard
For anyone, any thing, any being
From conception to the giving of life itself
Everything about life is hard

But life is also very real
And reality always bites
It bites hard, too
It bites us even when we are left biting the dust

It never hurts to dream a wee bit I think
To let idealism flow
To seek out perfection
Even when we all know that it is something that can never be attained

Perhaps perfection, like happiness and life, is more about the journey than the destination
It is more about the steps we take, and the things we go through, to get there
As opposed to the end product in itself
Some challenge then for mission-oriented people then [yours truly included]

But I would say that a dream is what would make the difference
The guts to pursue it, and to strive to make it materialise
To just keep ploughing and plodding away
Irrespective of what lies ahead

Idealism and a perfectionistic streak would make for quite a combination I think
And in a world beset by all-too-many cynics and pragmatics
I would say that a dreamer makes quite a bit of difference
Well, make that a dreamer with a perfectionistic streak in his execution

Perfection
Dreams
Perhaps, Love
Ever-elusive, like myone's very own shadow

But it never hurts to make the effort to chase them, I suppose.

At the very least, a journey of discovery and education will ensue.

I was informed of a beautiful quote today.

It said, “A Dream is a series of actions made manifest.”

Beautiful, no? Well, you should have seen the person who conjured it up.

A Beautiful quote, from the Beautiful mind of a Beautiful person. ;-)

Bitter. Pills. Swallow.

2010-01-03T23:02:00.000+08:00

It’s hasn’t been easy
And I don’t think it will ever get easier
Life tends to give one bitter pills to swallow
I tend to think of them as medicine

Bitter, unpleasant, and definitely not something you would voluntarily pop into your mouth
But then again, they do serve some good
Just like medication
They improve you, make you stronger, and also heal you

There is one condition though: you have to make sure that it doesn’t kill. Because for all the bitterness of a Paracetemol pill, a very fine line separates paracetemol from cyanide.

And the latter can most definitely kill.

--

2010-01-02T00:57:00.002+08:00

The mountains protect me quite a fair bit
They hide me away from the outside world
Which is prolly why I always get the mickey taken out of me
For being as good as a tourist in my own country

But I like being in the midst of the mountains
I get to introspect, which I have been doing ever since I learnt to think
I articulate all that resides within me
I play the part of the brooding, lonesome creature to pristine perfection

I experience, I learn
And then I take it all on board before retreating
I almost always learn the hard way
Which is often the best way, never mind the inevitable, indelible scars that it brands on me

“Think Less, Act More. Reflect Less, Experience More,” a wise woman told me.

Point to ponder. And perhaps, in spite of my instincts, a philosophy to live by.

Water

2010-01-02T00:50:00.002+08:00

I would like to think of myself as a lake
Vast, serene, and natural
Bringing joy and wonder to the people around me
And to the introspective individual, peace

Although I might be more like a whitewater river
What with the ferocious undercurrents beneath me
Those that the ordinary observer usually fails to spot
The beehive of activity underneath what would appear to be an otherwise serene surface

I would like to think of myself as still waters which run deep
Though I hardly make for the most experienced individual on the planet
I would still like to think that I have gone through quite a fair bit in this life
All of which are never without learning value: be they good, bad or downright butt ugly

The course of my life is pretty much like that of a river’s
Forever meandering, negotiating bends and moving along
Some tributaries break off and form their own paths
While some return to the main lake, and others to the sea

I feel as though I am beginning to come full circle
As though I went away and left the proverbial roost the last few years
But somehow I feel as though I am reverting
Making a return, back to basics

Back to the very essence of being me.

Water is fluid, adaptable to the shape of its container
It is free to roam, and never confined to any boundaries
I should take a leaf out of the book of this state of matter
And impossibly hard as it will be, to at least try to be just like water at room temperature nonetheless

Settled, adaptable if need be, and at peace.

First Piece for the Year

2010-01-01T16:32:00.002+08:00

The New Year is supposed to bring forth a lot of things
It is also supposed to symbolize an equally diverse range of things
For some, it might mean a fresh start or a new hope
Or it might even bring forth a new discovery

This time last year I was still cleaning up the metaphorical glass house
Mine
Granted, I was pretty much done actually
And I remember how it felt

It was like walking a tightrope
Walking a path straight down the middle
And not to have to lean on either side and subsequently fall off
Like walking on a massive ball, perhaps

I find myself reverting
I remember what I was like once ago
And how I eventually changed
In mannerisms, tastes, thought processes

I have an inkling that I might be reverting
From the looks of things, I might be
Whether or not it is a good thing remains to be seen
Quite a surprise this is turning out to be

I might be going down the path of the proverbial lone wolf
To further develop from my previous role as the mongrel
Standing outside the proverbial home
With the coming of a new moon perhaps

I find myself going back to times of old.

Basically, I find myself being brought back to my brilliant [hopefully I am thought of in such esteem], brooding, best.

Some things, you just cannot run away from, no matter how hard you try.

This is how I have always been
I think it is also how I will always be
It can only be dormant within me at best
But never fully eradicated

Just like the virus within me, which I would have been battling for almost six years now.

Although there is some manner of solace I suppose.

For without my brooding streak, most, if not all, of my pieces would not have made the transition from thought to text.

I can only hope that they have made for a decent read, from the inception of this page to the present day. And hopefully it goes on for the longest time.

Happy New Year to one and all once again. =)

The Year Ahead

2009-12-31T23:59:00.002+08:00

The year has been, to sum it up in a phrase, a topsy-turvy one. So many things, all of which are on extremely contrasting ends of the proverbial spectrum, have happened. Just when it seemed when as though for once, I got the proverbial house [perhaps a glass one] in order, I realize that this house was, ultimately, a fragile one still beset by the proverbial stone-throwers. As has been the case with all years, there were some highs… but there was also no escaping the lows. Although I suppose, most comfortingly, there was no shortage in lessons learnt, which should [with “should” being the imperative word] put me in good stead for the future.

Just as is the case with every year, I experienced loss again this year. But I also made some discoveries. And in some instances, re-discoveries. I rediscovered the joy of playing regular footie, something I have not experienced for quite some years yet [try nine]. Playing, winning games. The buzz that only an ongoing competition can bring.

I rediscovered a bit of joy in writing as well. Or rather, I am infusing some manner of happiness into my writing [I try to at least try] I suppose, as opposed to the usual morbidity. Although to be fair, whatever I project in my writing is pretty much a reflection of how things are panning out for me anyway. I suppose I am still pretty much temperamental that way, no matter how much I might want to think that life’s experiences have tempered me. Although, to be honest, I still find myself churning out pieces mainly when I am brooding...

Intriguingly, I also rediscovered this sudden innate desire to hit the books once again. Not too sure how it came about, but somehow all I feel like doing is to hit the books totally, and not worry about stuff like whether or not I can make it for class, or maybe submit a paper. It would be nice to be able to just fully focus on the books alone, although whether or not I can afford this luxury, even with my bit of savings, remains to be seen.

It hit me too, that I might have been taking too many steps back. I have been trying to paint such a big picture that everything seems so abstract; nothing seems to make sense anymore. Granted, some things have since been taken care of thanks to this macro perspective, but I suppose that there can always be time to slot in the things we have always wanted to do.

I remember my initial plans in my teens rather well. Facing a certificate with a dead end, all I thought was for myself to work after National Service before hitting the books [or at least applying to do so] once again once I could afford it. For idealistic reasons, I decided to go down a particular path. It seems much like a self-fulfilling prophecy [some might say irony] that as I approach the end of my current deal, it appears that I might be heading towards the original intended institution, albeit for a different level of qualifications now. I have done pretty much what I had sought out to do in the last few years or so, and I would like to hope that I have done a decent job at it.

Time’s a-dwindling on my current deal, and if I’m being honest I do wonder for how much longer I can keep at it. I seem to have quite enough of being the figurative arachnid. It’s worn me out quite a fair bit, to be honest. It might be a better idea to revert to being good ol’ Pete instead. I have an inkling that in all probability I will be hitting the books and taking up the footie deal for a year or two, and maybe even hit a billboard if possible.

Sometimes, I feel like the time has indeed come to perhaps walk away. What used to seem like an interminable tunnel is now becoming shorter with each passing day. Now all I have to do is to begin with the end in mind, and plough and plod on for the sake of the wonderful people who surround me, who make it all oh-so-bearable. I find it a huge irony how I am surrounded by such a fantastic set of people, in a place where the ties are unlike anything that I have experienced before, and yet the work we all do is… in a word, horrible. I suppose given the nature of our work, we all need the support we can get, and who else do we have but each other?

But I have my apprehensions as well I suppose. I care not two hoots about the perceptions of others, but I do feel as though I would be letting down quite a fair bit of people should I walk away from it all. People who have shown explicit and unwavering faith in me; and most importantly, my peers and team-mates, the ones with whom I fight fires alongside, every single day.

I think about it every single day. Sometimes, I feel like staying on for the sake of my team-mates [and peers]. After all, we have gone through the really thick, and thin, together. But at the same time, sometimes when I think about the very nature of the things that we are tasked to do, I do wonder if I should just walk away from it all. I suppose this question is one that can only be answered with the passing of time. Oh, how I hate questions of this nature.

I find it quite a turnaround from what I was thinking just a few months back. It might be due to a change in work environment, workload, everything. But in any case, I have come to realize just how comfortable I have been. Not that it was a bad thing, mind. But at the very least, I am making use of the time I have on my current deal to do the things that I had initially sought out to do, even as a starry-eyed, idealistic boy back then.

But the biggest lesson I have learnt for the year? As much as I would think that I am mentally prepared for certain developments, I realize that I am still very much in need of fixing. Or at the very least, not yet quite the finished article. But I suppose that should be a good thing? At the very least, I get to work on the matter.

One highlight for the year? After ten whole years, I finally found someone who corresponds actively with me, in equal measure too. I have spent quite a bit of time looking for someone like you. Haha. ;)

2010. I remember how it was all supposed to turn out; with the paternal, wedded, footie life. And the education. Of it all, I’ve only done the education bit so far though. Although to be fair, the initial plans / dreams were drafted up some ten years ago. It’s quite amazing how so much time has passed, in what would have seemed like just the twinkling of one’s eye. Blink a few billion times more and I might find myself aged 35. But still. I always believe that you are only as old as you feel. If you feel fine, that that should be all that matters. This, even as I have been told that men apparently age like wine, and women, like vinegar. ;)

In any case, the year ahead promises to be an eventful, educational and enriching one. I’ll just have to take on board whatever the year brings. To accept, react, and eventually adapt to situations.

That’s pretty much part of the job description anyway.

Here’s wishing one and all a Happy New Year. =)

Man / Snake

2009-12-27T22:29:00.000+08:00

There are parallels to be drawn
More so than one would think
Between us, the humans, and the serpent
Yes, the serpent: that which has been the embodiment of evil since time immemorial.

The serpent sheds skin from time to time
Skin that has been tempered over time
To withstand the rigours of this world
There is quite a bit to be learnt from this particular reptile, no matter how unlikely it might seem at first instance

For one, how it sheds its skin effortlessly
And just moves [slithers] along
Skin that has been tempered over time
The result, and mark of, all previous experiences in that time

It just sheds it all and slithers along
Effortlessly creating a new layer of skin in the process
To just start once again from, and return to, ground zero
Without much fuss, hesitation or sentiment

Breaking free from the shackles of the past; coming off from it all all-new, brighter [in all senses of the word], and stronger.

The very embodiment of renewal and healing.

Perhaps, in this respect, a page can be taken out of the book of the humble serpent.

Steel-Forging

2009-12-27T10:07:00.004+08:00

It has been said that the strongest steel can only be made by going through the hottest fire
But of course, that would be dependent on surviving the entire process altogether
Not everyone can survive those fires though
Some die in it, and turn themselves into carbon compounds in the process

But then again, maybe that gave rise to the saying
That "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
Provided you don't die of pain, of course
And live through it

Because when time passes by and you reflect back someday
You will realize that you lived through it, however painful it was at that time
No matter how tempted you might have been to put yourself out of the pain and misery you felt then
I suppose everything happens for a reason eh?

On our part, all we can do is to live through it, learn [perhaps] and see where do we all go from our respective ordeals.

Personally though, my fairly long and stringy limbs have taken me around quite a fair bit.

Fire-Fighting

2009-12-26T07:28:00.004+08:00

You might be thinking of applying
To me
Conventional fire-fighting techniques
Which are literally a science in themselves

There are three elements to a fire
A fire, which, according to tradition, an element in itself
SO here are the elements within the element of fire:
Heat, Fuel and Oxygen

So you might be thinking to apply the same science to me
As I lay burning
After the crash
You might want to; or you might be thinking of to getting me to apply it to myself

You might want to take away what you deem to be the fuel added to the flames
Which facilitated and / or enhanced the burning
And which made for quite a sight with the flames produced
Out of concern for me

I appreciate greatly your concern
Just like I always appreciately greatly your company
Which has always been lovely enough to keep
Just like how I always appreciate you

Irrespective of your concerns over the "lasting looks" discussion [the nai kan concept] we had, and your concerns over the event that I get over them.

You might want nothing more than to put out the flames
For the burning to cease
For me to stop burning, perhaps
Presumptuous as it may be, on my part to say it

So you might be thinking of eliminating the source of the fire
By taking yourself out of the equation
You might be hoping that with that, the flames will cease to continue burning
Then I would no longer be turning into a carbon compound

But you see, My Dear, flames aren't necessarily a bad thing
They provide light and heat energy
Helping people see
Literally, and through the proverbial darkness too

Also, it helps keep them warm
To last
Again, literally
And through the metaphorical cold as well

My burning would be simply a small trade-off
At the very least
For the benefit of others
So if push comes to shove, let the burning continue

Besides, I never want to be away from you.

Why should I, when your company I absolutely adore and love to keep?

So, in conclusion, my Dear, I reiterate my stand: I never want to be away from you.

Not now, and most certainly not ever.

My Thousand-Yard Stare

2009-12-23T21:59:00.003+08:00

The thousand-yard stare
That haunted, hunted look
You just know that something's just out there to get you
Out to have you cooked

The thousand-yard stare
Straight into the abyss
A glare that might strain one's eyes? Who would care?
When so many things have already been missed

The thousand-yard stare
Which I have since come to distinctly own
Nothing ever seems fair
In the end, I'm always left to go it alone

The thousand-yard stare
Is all I have for now
Nothing much that I can do at the moment anyway
Except, like the humble farmer before me,

Trudge on, Plod and Plough.

The Psychology of Emotion.

2009-12-23T01:15:00.004+08:00

Hunger pangs, even though I ate a full meal the night before
At a much later time than usual, too
The night might have been a cold one, but still
A distinct inability to sleep, in spite of the fatigue engulfing me

I know these physiological responses intimately enough to recognize them
And most notably, to know their significance and how they came to be
Students of psychology might recognize them as well
Even laymen can, if they look deep enough

The James-Lange theory dictates that emotional feelings follow bodily arousal
Meaning to say, you recognize your emotions after you observe certain innate responses from your body
With time, Schachter’s Cognitive theory of emotion comes into play as well
Where you attach a particular label to these physiological responses

I have lived with myself long enough to know
That only one emotion brings about these two symptoms
That they cannot be brought about by anything else
Absolutely nothing

Heartache
It’s frustrating
Because all I can do is identify the symptoms as and when they appear, and how they can come to be
At best, I can only identify how I am feeling as a result of these symptoms

I have always believed that we can never help the way we feel
And neither can we help the physiological responses that our bodies churn out
The best that we can do would be to help our course of actions as a result of the way we feel
But there is nothing else that I can do really

Nothing at all.

Not least, to mend the heartache I find myself currently afflicted with.

Star.

2009-12-23T01:11:00.001+08:00

Cutting a solitary figure
Amidst the flurry of activity surrounding him
Brooding, temperamental
Jobbing around

Standing alone against everything else
Conjuring up moments of creating-something-from-nothing
Something that observers have always been appreciative of
Poetry in motion then, literally

But at what cost?
When this creation can only come at the expense of remaining tragedy-free?
It’s like sacrificing a part of oneself as fuel
To keep the most beautiful of flames burning

Perhaps a falling star would make for a better analogy
Producing a sight for the observer
Leaving them in awe even as he falls to the ground
Sailing through the stratosphere, all the way to the Earth’s surface

Where he will end up in the most spectacular of crashes.

And then burn.

How tragic, perhaps.

A magnificent sight for the observer: from the commencement of the rapid descent, to the combustion that begins, culminating in the big crash and final burning.

In one fell swoop, he provides light and warmth to the observer. Helping them see, and feel.

Even granting them each a wish.

All this, at the expense of his own existence.

Tragic, perhaps.

But then again, maybe this was how it was always meant to be.

Going to Ground

2009-12-22T23:59:00.001+08:00

I have this habit
Of drawing parallels between life and the game of football
Maybe because I am a football lad at heart
And maybe because I tend to let my mind wander off

Sometimes we approach looking for something
Sometimes we proceed on our own steam, sometimes we seek something to draw out
An expression of oneself follows
An outpouring of expressions, perhaps

So sometimes, in the proverbial box, you leave your markers flat on their bums, with twisted blood coursing through their veins
But sometimes, that is not quite done without an infringement on their part
So, in surging past them, you end up taking a knock
And you get posted a question which requires a split-second answer

To play on? Or to go to ground?
A typically English response would be to go on
And sometimes you do try to stay on the proverbial feet
But sometimes, when everything seems just about right, you end up going to ground

Sometimes you just can’t help it
When everything seems just about right
When you take the proverbial leap of faith
And you do the typically British thing of wearing your heart on your sleeve

So in the split-second that you have been given to decide, you make a choice
And you end up allowing yourself to go into freefall
For a moment, you soar through the air
It feels kind of nice… until you hit the ground with the hardest of thuds

Reality sinks in: you have already made the choice to fall, irrespective of whether you realized it or not
And you look at the proverbial referee with a plea in your eyes
Hoping and praying in your heart that your leap of faith, that feeling of everything seeming just perfect and coming together at the opportune moment, was not in vain
Surely it is a stone-wall outcome? Surely he would do the right thing? To be fair to you?

And then your worst fears come true
With a deadpan expression, He waves for play to go on
The proverbial play continues, even as you are left there
Reality bites you, even as you are left biting the dust

‘twas all for nothing.

The clichés will inevitably roll in
Requests for you to rough it out, get stuck in
To take the hard knocks and grow stronger from there
To keep going at it

All the philosophical clichés will now come to the fore, courtesy of all and sundry.

They mean well, but it still offers scant consolation.

Fuck lah.

At the day’s end, it’s back to the drawing board now.

Yet again.

But then again, it really is nothing new, innit?

Done.

2009-11-28T10:36:00.006+08:00

It's odd.
How, in the light of recent developments, I just woke up one day
And felt that something had given way within me.
I felt hollow; empty.

At around the same time, I became the proud owner of the two-thousand-yard-stare.

I woke up one day thinking to myself, "Fuck lah. I'm not doing this anymore".
In retrospect, I'd thought that it could have been initially due to frustration.
Of having to bed into a new environment, a recently-suddenly-and-exponentially increased workload.
And then I delved deeper.

And I saw the crux of the matter for myself.

It was not so much an issue with the department.
Or even one with the Branch.
It was more of an issue with the entire scope of things.
The organization.

The very nature of the entire job.
The missed weekends, private time.
The volatility of each day.
The distinct possibility of the aftereffects spilling everywhere, every time.

I have given everything, and more, for the nation and her people in the last five years.
Some people claim to give 100 per cent, some 200, some even a thousand.
For me, I just give everything that I have, and more.
You can never really quantify effort, in my opinion.

I gave the best part of five years of my life to this cause.
Doing the two things that nobody else in the entire organization wanted to do.
Frontline duties, investigation, prosecution.
In the words of me former boss, "It's a shit job."

And I agree with him. Wholeheartedly.

I realize that there is a certain stereotype, a certain stigma.
To people of my ilk, who join straight from school and leave after five years.
It doesn't really matter to me what other people think.
After all, if others' perceptions mattered so much, I wouldn't be doing what I have been doing for the last five years in the first place.

All I can say is, if you haven't even taken a step in my shoes, let alone see the things I have had to see, and do the things I have had to do, you would be better off shutting your trap and keeping your "I always knew he was always going to do it anyway"s to yourself.

I can take pride in knowing that I joined for the right reasons, and I have done everything that policing entails. None of the wayang acts for me. No, Sir: I'd like to think that everything I did, was for real. No typical office-hour vocations which have nothing to do with policing as a whole, which are ocupied by 'special' people only. Attending to incidents, lodging reports, investigation, prosecution, the whole nine yards. I have done everything typically associated with policing.

Everything my peers and I do has been for the cause, the society, the people. Idealistic it may sound, but yeah.

I joined a select group of people who did what thre-quarters of the organization would never want to do.
Got my hands reall dirty in cleaning up the city.
And seeing a very big picture in the end.
Of the society: its heartbeat, its ills.

I have had quite enough now.

The weekends, overly-long hours, the uncertainty of it all. Not to mention the fact that it all follows you wherever you go, be it to the loo, overseas, or even into sleep.

The worst thing is, you can't quite leave it behind at the workplace: advances in technology [and telecomunations] are such that people will always keep on calling.
And expecting you to be at their beck and call.
At all times.
I just can't do it.

All I can do now is summon every last bit of pride / strength / energy I have left within, and soldier on as my current deal enters its final half-year.

It might be funny to some, how I think for a minimum of a half-year in advance.
What can I say? I am a football man after all, and we always think a minimum of six months ahead.
I intend to leave on the Bosman ruling come next summer, whatever happens.
Till then, all I can do is take things one day at a time.

I am in possession of a life that I never knew I had.
I have lived the last five years of my life for the society.
It might sound selfish, but I think it might be due time for me to start living for myself for once.
After all, nobody is going to do it for me.

I will never forget the little boy who came up to me once ago
And told me that he wanted to be like me when he grew up
I asked him why, and he said: "Because I want to be a hero, just like you."
But I'm no hero; I don'thave any powers.
I'm just a regular lad doing his best, constrained by humanistic traits and the provisions of the law.

I have done plenty of thinking, and I have decided: no more.

If you happen to come across this entry, and if you see what happens next summer, remember that you saw it here, first.

Out for the count.

2009-11-25T17:43:00.002+08:00

Burnt out.
Worn out.
Crying out.

Desperately for help.

H
E
L
P
.

Sunday League

2009-11-22T22:22:00.004+08:00

Today, by sheer manner of coincidence, I returned.
To the place where I visited you, years ago.
Where I came, and made you something out of love.
Well, where we made something together, with our love, actually.

Where you are still based.

I had a good day today.
I haven't quite been involved in competitive football the last few years.
This year I got myself a lucky break of sorts.
To be in a decent team, reunited with an auld mate of mine.

The game went well enough, and we won.
A decent start to the season.
Many games are still left to be played, but we'll take it one week at a time.
It was nice just to be out playing again.

The hustle-and-bustle, blood-and-thunder nature of it all.
The unpredictability where the game can be turned in an instant, not unlike the flick of a switch.
A sudden sprint, a dazzling dribble, a piercing pass, or a stinging shot.
Maybe a full-blooded tackle even.

It felt like a special occasion.
To be competing once again.
And to have done so at my hometown.
Right in your backyard, too.

Like a homecoming, of sorts.
A pleasant homecoming.
One where we came away with all three points.
Deservedly, too.

It was nice, today. For football, memories, and connotations; all in more ways than one.

Stocktaking

2009-11-22T21:54:00.002+08:00

I had a decent weekend.
For once.
I haven't had too many of those for quite some time now.
Try the last five weeks.

Or maybe, the last four-and-a-half years.

Catching up on my slep.
Watching films I like.
Watching United.
Time with family; time spent playing football.

Simple stuff. Just the way I like my days spent.

Away from the hustble-and-bustle of recent times. Or more accurately, daily life.

I managed to take stock of things today.
Of everything that I've been doing all this while.
I've done decently, I'd like to think.
Working a job I'm failr decent at, realizing my ideal of actually being in a position to help people.

I'm putting myself through school.
Studying something that I'm interested in, and maybe even good at.
And it is only when I am thinking that I feel that something feels missing.

I quite miss holidays.
Weekends. Football.
Time spent coasting.
Time with the people I love.

I miss a normal life.
One where people don't call me willy-nilly.
Anytime throughout the day, even in the wee hours.
With blatant disregard for anything and everything.

As though their case is the be all and end all of everything.

I do wonder if it is all worth it.
The uncertain life.
Where I could be totally disciplined with my work, stick to deadlines...
And still end up running helter-skelter to all four corners of this island.

Where three times a month, 24 hours in a day is never enough.
To cover the volume of cases.
To go by without a wink of sleep, or a single meal.
And for the next 36 - 48 hours, in addition to going without food and sleep, entertaining all sorts of calls.

And where even with all the effort put in, to still get fucked at the end of the day.

No wonder people who leave the organization come from either my curent post or my last one.

Is it really worth it?

I ask myself that very question, every single flippin' day.

2009-11-12T20:04:00.004+08:00

It has been a strange couple o' days
Having read a piece of literary creativity
The type which has always been synonymous with you
And it all came flooding back

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
Just like the song from the musical
Or to quote it in full,

"Mem'ry
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember
The time I knew what happiness was
Let the mem'ry live again"

I remember it all. Vividly.

You
Me
Us
Our time

Which has long since passed.

I do wonder sometimes if I was nothing more than a mistake
If so, fair play to that then
It just amazes me how much time has passed since it all ended
And how we have both since moved on

How true indeed
How cliched as it may be, that time actually does heal all wounds
That the passing of time would be akin to taking the proverbial step back
And enabling oneself to see a bigger, clearer picture

Amusingly, I saw the embodiment of your wish for me today
A spitting image of you she was indeed
What with her fair complexion
And her big, round expressive eyes

Not unlike yours
Which, as I remembered, never failed to sparkle, lke diamonds
Not unlike the glittering stars in a clear night sky
And how could it be complete without the gaze, or even hair?
Which she tied up oh-so-neatly in that particular manner, just like how you did when we dated once ago

Our time. It does seem that long ago now, doesn't it?

She was a girl from college, so most definitely younger than me
Just like how you wished for me
Of course, things are never as simple as they seem
It brought a smile to my face, all this

How, in the light of reading the piece
Being reminded of us
And seeing your wish for me in its physical form
At the MRT station where we last met before you left me

The ironic humour of it all.

I always wondered: Have you ever seen a drama, seen someone in between the bond of two others, and hated them so? Or ever thought someone to be the emobdiment of a test?

I guess, sometimes, no matter how one is objectified, "mistakes" and "tests" have feelings too.

At the end of the day, we are all humans, and not without beating hearts.

But again, we take the learning values from episodes past
And remember the grief, or other emotions felt
As well as the physiological reactions to those emotions
We learn, and we remember

We take it on the chin; and in good stead, too
In our stride
And with one fell swoop, or in as graceful a motion as can be
We walk on

In my case, to wherever my gangly, stringy limbs may take me.

I know now that I have been blessed with a certain amount of resolve, and will always be strong enough, come what may.

Praise be to God.

Connotations.

2009-10-31T11:09:00.005+08:00

Sometimes we all get busy
Get swamped
With work; helping out in the lives of others
Or even with developments in our own lives

In this time, it is all too easy to just... fly by
Pretty much like time itself
It would be all too easy to
But we do not, I would think

Not as much as we think we do.

We all attach connotations everywhere we go; in everything that we do
To a place; a time, an act
To a scent; a certain scenery, a certain setting
A sensation ensues somewhat

It could be a simple breeze you received while being near to a harbour
An obscure lounging area in the midst of a bustling shopping mall, perhaps
A cup of a certain type of coffee
A certain type of clothing, or a particular redolence

An experience with a certain someone, perhaps.
At a certain place, perhaps.
Cosy enough, perhaps.
Sweet perfection, perhaps.

And then you remember
You remember what it is that you felt
That you went through in that point in time; how wonderful it all was
And in a flash, you also remember what happened after that

Events which, somehow or rather, led to the present day
Fondly, You reminisce, recall, remember
You recollect as well
But most importantly, you remember the lessons you learnt from the chain of events which followed

And once again you are transported back to the present
It might sound a tad philosophical, but you are glad that it did happen at one point in time, rather than not at all
So you smile
Even if it didn't turn out like how you'd like for it to

Even as you remember how much it aggrieved you greatly when it turned out that way.

They say the past is a good place to visit, but never a good one to stay
I stand by that adage
Sometimes memories bring a smile to one's face, sometimes more than that
But they remain just that: memories, to be consigned to a corner of one's mind

Like a grave, a tomb or a shrine
To be visited from time to time
To give thanks, or to be offered prayers
But you cannot stay for too long

Because you have to remember that you live in the present
So you just smile once again, and express appreciation that it all happened
That you learnt invaluable lessons from the entire experience
That it made you a more learned, more experienced, better-equipped person

So all you can pretty much do is to just shrug your shoulders, grit your teeth, and smile.

And most importantly, Walk on.

Fast

2009-10-24T21:37:00.002+08:00

Fast it all is
Fast it all has been
Fast it all still is
And fast it will remain, for quite some time yet

It began with the surprising and / or shocking news
Mainly due in part, again, because of its pace
Even now, everything is still sinking in
An adaptation still in progress

It will be three weeks come Monday
Since the move materialized
Since the uprooting
Migration

And what a rollercoaster it has been since then
Running all over the island
Attending to everything
People; property

The learning curve is steep
And the proverbial ship's a-rocking
Rough waters, perhaps
But we will stay the course

Indeed, this is rather unchartered territory
Well, for me at least
I had a rough idea of how things would be
But then again, some things you can only fully understand once you see them for yourself

Here's to a new beginning
A new room, A new family, A new life
A fast, frenetic one
At the high seas, at a frantic pace

Some things can only be brought about with the passing of time. I hope to bed in as quickly as possible, so that I can do all that I set out to do.

--

2009-09-23T21:11:00.009+08:00

You took me to your heart
You let me in
You let me stay there
Where I grew, and maybe even blossomed

But it wasn't all one-way
I had you leave your indelible mark on me too
And we made magic
Quite unlike anything I had experienced prior to that

And then you let me go.

Left me to the wilderness
Somewhat akin to leaving an already-domesticated beast to fend for itself in the wild
In this harsh world
You walked away, and never even took a glance to see what [who] you left behind

It seems so cold, callous, calculated
Machine-like, perhaps even measured-to-perfection-esque
How you could be holding me dearest to your heart
Singing my name

All this, for the longest time, and with the utmost intensity.

And yet, with the flick of a switch you just dropped me
Like a hot potato
Moved away, moved on
Forgot

About me
About Us
'twas as though "We" never happened
But there is always learning value to be had I suppose

I learnt to move
Quickly
No more dragging my heels
I learnt to activate the same switch you did

And just... walk away from it all.

No wonder they say words are cheap
You sing a different tune altogether now
A different tune, but no doubt laced with influences from our time together
Subtle stuff that only the two of us, and God Himself, know

I see you all settled-in, which is fantastic
I have always been happy for you
We all move on in life, don't we?
I'll just keep on walking as I always have, to wherever it is these gangly limbs of mine will take me

In such a situation, I guess there are only two things one can do
One can either let one's past destroy oneself
Or one can grab on to what is right in front of oneself
And start anew

I am thankful that for the longest time, I have always been able to choose the latter
Sure, there have been no shortage of times when I wanted so badly to lose myself
In all sorts of abuse: physical, mental, emotional, substance
And yet, somehow, I just pull through

Perhaps you were right: maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

You have long since made your decision, and stuck to it
Fair play to that; I have always respected your choice
If I am not going to mean anything to you then so be it
I wish you all the best, just as I always have

I suppose you could say that I have always been [a] hopeless [romantic]
But I have also since married my romanticism with a dose, a tinge if you will, of pragmaticism
Granted, the idealism will always be there
But there is also a touch of level-headedness to keep it in check

For me, there will always be castles built in the sky
It's just how I like my horizons
But things have changed somewhat
This time, I'm not going to hurt anymore should it all come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks once again

At least, I won't react in the same manner.

As they quite rightly say, the past can be a good place to visit... but it is never a good one to stay.

I guess time does heal all wounds
The passing of time is the equivalent of us to taking a step back
And seeing the bigger picture
A clearer picture, no doubt

As compared to the myopic, tunnel-vision-riddled one we might encounter sometimes in the heat of the moment, when we are too clouded with emotion.

So perhaps, it was for the best
If you look at it in definite terms, with no ambiguity
I was never anything to you
I was nothing but a toy; a trump card to keep in reserve, to play in case of an emergency

An emergency which never came.

So there it is: I was never anything to you, was I?

Well, perhaps nothing but a substitute. To fill in as and when you required me to.

But I'm good enough to start now, and not to be on the proverbial bench.

Or maybe I have always been good enough to start to begin with.

Either way, I'm glad you left.

Dying Death

2009-09-18T10:32:00.004+08:00

Something happened today
I saw something I had never before seen in my life
Not in my personal capacity, let alone my professional one

It was in the dead of the night
Dry surfaces, clear skies
The roads were equally clear

Driving along an empty street
And there it was
Hesitant, fearful even

But cross it eventually did
But not without losing its hesitance
And then the inexplicable happened

Instead of slowing down, the car beside me accelerated
Contact was made
It took a hit, and went up in the air

In a matter of miliseconds, I saw life turn into certain death.

I brought me vehicle to a halt and stepped out
And then I saw it
Stuck in a position as though paralyzed; kicking, convulsing. Hard

FIghting even harder to stay alive.

I saw blood spilled
Even more spewing out
Out of its ears, out of its head

Even as it all happened, I took it into my arms and brought it away
To the grass patch nearby
Right in front of Ngee Ann Polytechnic

I saw it
It still kicked
Still fighting for its right to stay alive

Nothing. That was all I could do.

I could do nothing
But stay with it and keep it company
Stay by its side, as its life ebbed away with each droplet of blood that it lost

Quite a substantial amount.

Its eyes bulging out, almost popping out of their sockets
Again, all I could do, was nothing
Nothing, bar saying a prayer

And stroking it gently, in a pathetic attempt to calm it down.

Slowly, the kicking stopped
And with it, the pulse, too
Now, it was going to be only a matter of time before the maggots set in

I felt so gutted
So helpless
I did something, and yet all I could do, was nothing

It all happened in a matter of seconds
The nearest [animal] hospital would have been miles away
And I couldn't quite render first aid

It was like a scene straight out of fiction
When it died in my arms
Leaving my hands soaked in its blood

It hit me once again: life can be rather cruel
Why did it have to die?
Why didn't the other driver slow down?

After all, the road was empty: there was no need to swerve to avoid it, or even jam the brakes. All that was needed, was a slight touch on the brakes.

But he accelerated instead. And worse still, sped off after that.

I see death on a regular basis
I accept it as a part of life
But this one is pretty hard to stomach

For what I see is usually death itself
This time, the circumstances are a tad different
This time, I see a being actually dying

A non-natural death at that.

To that driver, I wish you luck
In all probability, like most hit-and-run cases, this one involving you will probably never be solved
And your identity will never be established

But I pray.

I pray that when it is your time to die, you will do so in the exact same manner in which you caused another being to die.

With that reckless, fucked-up act of yours.

That you be hit by an accelerating vehicle
Whose driver accelerates, in spite of seeing you
And when you are left heaving, convulsing, hyperventilating and lying on the road, I pray that you are greeted by the sight of the very being whose life you snatched away with your actions, and did not have the heart and / or balls to save and / or own up to

Amen.

People like you should really be skinned, hung out to dry and finally given an intravenous shot of engine oil before being left to die.

Footnote -> Section 84 of the Road Traffic Act [cap 276] states that:

Duty to stop in case of accident

84. —(1) If in any case owing to the presence of a motor vehicle on a road an accident occurs whereby damage or injury is caused to any person, vehicle, structure or animal, the driver of the motor vehicle shall stop and, if required to do so by any person having reasonable grounds for so requiring, give his name and address and also the name and address of the owner and the identification marks of the motor vehicle.

(2) If in the case of any such accident as aforesaid the driver of the motor vehicle for any reason does not give his name and address to any such person as aforesaid, he shall report the accident at a police station or to a police officer as soon as reasonably practicable and, in any case, within 24 hours of the occurrence thereof.

(3) If in any case owing to the presence of a motor vehicle on a road an accident occurs whereby any person is killed or any damage or injury is caused to any person, vehicle, structure or animal, the driver of the motor vehicle shall render such assistance as may be reasonably required by any police officer or in the absence of any police officer such assistance as it may reasonably be in the power of the driver to render.

(7) If any person fails to comply with any of the provisions of this section, he shall be guilty of an offence.

I hope you get your just desserts.

Almost.

2009-08-11T00:05:00.003+08:00

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost-lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost-lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images, No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Already Gone.

2009-08-09T00:02:00.001+08:00

Remember all the things we wanted?
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do-or-die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you; now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
Already gone

There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.

Medley

2009-08-02T20:42:00.000+08:00

She got out of town
On a railway New York-bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on Broadway

There are some things in this world
You just can't change
Some things you can't see
Until it's too late

Baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world?

Maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home

I've got a hole in me now
And I've got a scar I can't talk about
She keeps a picture of me
In her apartment in the city

Some things in this world
They don't make sense
Some things you don't need until they leave you
And they're things that you miss

Now I'm crying
Isn't that what you want?
I'm trying to live my life on my own
But I won't, no

At times, I do believe I am strong.

So someone tell me why do I feel stupid?

2009-07-14T04:00:00.000+08:00

It is never an easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

If the darkness is to keep us apart
If the daylight feels like it's a long way off
If your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Be strong

Walk on
What you've got, they can't deny it
Neither can they sell it nor buy it

What you've got, they can't steal it
They can't even feel it
Walk on, and stay safe tonight

Packing a suitcase for a place where none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
Fly away: Like the singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly for freedom

How it aches
How a heart it breaks
One can only take so much
But still: Walk on, Leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind

All that you reason, All that you care

It's only time, and I never fill up all my mind.

All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
And all that you scheme

All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate

All this you can leave behind.

It has been anything but a bed of roses. But then again, it has never been anyway. It wasn't then, it still isn't, and I believe that it never will be.

In spite of the limited time I have spent on this earth, these long, gangly and spindly legs of mine have walked quite a fair bit in this lifetime. And it is not just for a love of taking long walks.

They'll just have to walk on yet again.

What difference does it make anyway, to already-calloused feet?

2009-07-14T03:00:00.000+08:00

So far Away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
It doesn't help to know that you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you, and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
How I wish I could, but you're so far away

One more song about moving along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend it being close to you

Travelling around sure gets me down and lonely
Nothing else to do but close my mind
I sure hope that the road doesn't come to own me
There are so many dreams I have yet to find

But you're so far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
It doesn't help to know that you're so far away

You're so far away.

The Unexplained

2009-07-12T22:58:00.005+08:00

Doing what we do, my peers and I literally see all sorts of people, and literally all walks of life as well. One oft-heard of aspect would include seeing the unseen. I usually, at most, would have only heard of tales from some of my peers about seeing the unseen, be it experienced by my peers themselves, or in incidents they attended to, by people calling in for assistance.

Until last night.

We were called in to attend to an incident whereby the caller informed that they had seen a couple of suspiciously-behaving people. Having been harassed by unlicensed moneylenders about a couple of weeks ago in spite of being innocent victims, they called in out of fear for their safety. And therein lies the unexplainable portion.

You see, the caller was at home with her husband at that time, doing their own thing. Suddenly, they smelled the odour of kerosene outside their house. Fearing that it could be loanshark runners outside their residence, they viewed the CCTV monitor in their living room and saw a couple loitering outside their house. So, on the pretext of checking on some items placed outside, they stepped outside their house and duly saw a young man, dressed in white, and a lady, dressed in black.

So the caller and her husband stayed outside their house for a moment, all the while discreetly observing the couple. According to them, the couple sensed that the house owners were watching them and "moved very fast" to leave the premises. So the caller and their husband called once again to inform the description of the suspicious-behaving couple.

Upon the arrival of my partner and I, we interviewed the caller to ascertain and establish the facts of the case. And then, we checked the CCTV footage. The more I think about what we had seen, the more goosebumps form on my skin.

You see, we viewed the CCTV footage, from one hour before the first call was made, all the way to our arrival. All we saw... was nothing.

There was nobody loitering outside the unit, nobody walking past. The most peculiar thing was that the CCTV actually captured the caller and her husband opening the door to step outside the house... but the said "couple" were nowhere to be seen. We viewed and re-viewed the footage many times, all with the same result. I was certain that the couple were not lying: after all, they were innocent parties and had nothing to gain by lying.

It was only towards the end that I thought of an alternative intended meaning of a comment made by the caller's father. He told me that the place they were staying in was a problematic area. While at the scene, I initially thought that the dad was referring to "problems" from a law-and-order perspective, i.e. drug addicts, theft cases et al.

And then my partner told me that the caller's father had also mentioned that the neighbourhood was also eerie. And he also reminded me that there was another incident attended my one of me team-mates months back at a construction site in the vicinity of the area as well, when the workers informed that they had uncovered a still-intact centuries-old coffin. The area, after all, used to consist of cemeteries all around. When they opened it, they found... nothing.

But that was more of a second-hand, related experiece.

This one would be my first-ever, first-hand experience.

The more I think about the incident and what we discovered, the eerier it feels.

But still. An interesting story for the [future] children [and / or grandchildren], family and friends alike methinks.

And maybe for "Misteri Jam 12" too. As much as I don't usually tune in. Haha.

2009-07-12T20:30:00.001+08:00

It wasn't really sad the way they said good-bye
Or maybe it just hurt so bad he couldn't cry
She packed her things, walked out the door and went away
And she became the girl from yesterday

She took a plane across the sea
To a land
He stayed at home and tried so hard to understand
How someone who had been so close could be so far away
And she became the girl from yesterday

Knowing neither what is right, nor that which is wrong
Only knowing the pain that comes from waiting for so long
Never counting the teardrops
That have been cried while she's away
Because he knows deep in his heart that she'll be back someday

The light's on in the window; he's waiting by the phone
Talking to a memory that's never coming home
He dreams of her returning and the things that she might say
But she'll always be the girl from yesterday

I personally feel that we should never be like sheep without their shepherd, for they never know how to be alone.

But once again, like all things, maybe it is about perspective once again. The age-old, "glass-half-full, glass-half-empty" argument.

For while language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone, it has also created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.

So it might just depend on which end of the proverbial spectrum one comes from.

From Off-Season to Pre-Season

2009-07-12T20:00:00.002+08:00

The European football off-season will be ending in a matter of weeks. For players who have been away with their countries, they would have lesser rest time than their contemporaries who managed to soak up the sun in beaches as part of the post-season recovery programme.

I can draw some parallels with what happened in Europe for the last six months. Like a certain Cockney lad, I got a new lease of life after having a break go my way for once. It is always wonderful to be able to find a new lease of life; to feel resurrected and born-again. To rediscover your very essence and find things turning out to be exactly how, and / or even better than you could have ever imagined them to be.

But not all parallels were positive or pleasant. It was not without a negative portion, and I drew the short end of the straw as well. Even though some countermeasures were thought of, it all eventually came to naught at the end.

So we all revert to type with the ending of the season. A conundrum I find myself stuck in, not unlike the one we earlier had with Carlitos. Even with the uncertainty perpetuating itself throughout the course of the entire season, the situation was still dealt with in what I perceive was the best possible way. A concrete, better-than-the-best-we-can-give, and most crucially, sincere, effort.

But we all know how it ended with Carlos.

Staying the proverbial course has always been about, I feel, putting in a good shift, keeping the focus, and being always unwavering in faith and belief, even in the most arduous moments.

An amalgamation of industry and integrity, married with the odd flash of brilliance had made for quite an experience. Unfortunately though, there was to be a sting in the tail at the end.

Bittersweet the feeling may be, but a life without drama just would not be mine I suppose. The off-season is coming to a close soon. Time to get ready to get back into the mix of things. The hustle-and-bustle, the blood-and-thunder nature of it all.

Pre-Season, for the European players, will commence soon.

No such privileges for me though: I almost always get thrown into the deep end straight.

But still, the proverbial pre-season it is.

I find it almost comical that I head back to the drawing board once again. By now, I might have even gone to it more times that Rolf Harris.

I Know

2009-07-11T11:00:00.002+08:00

I now know what it feels like
To walk a mile an alternative pair of proverbial shoes
How it feels like
Where those shoes take you

Like how a top-drawer centre half would feel
Tasked to helm a backline that ships goals like Santa does gifts at Christmas
In a team with a blunt, toothless attack
And seeing the worst come together come matchday

I know now how a Briton would feel at the Wimbledon Courts
Watching the home-grown lads with faith, hope, and anticipation
Then seeing it all come to naught at the end
You get used to it, really

Unable to put a finger on specifics
So we adopt a broad-based approach
Analogies
To broadly explore

Running to the ground
Before eventually running aground
And lying down, collapsed in a broken heap
At the final whistle

Like hitting a belter
Or a seventy-yard crossfield pass
Or hitting the back of the net, and then wheeling away to celebrate…
Only to see the flag raised against you, somehow

To work the fields with the water buffalo
Only to trip, stumble and fall
To have the beast somehow turn around and kick you in the teeth while it was at it
To taste something in the mouth as a result of that kick

A metallic-esque taste
You expel the paste from your mouth, but the spittle is clear
And then you realize that the taste is not that of blood
But rather, irony

So this is what It feels like
To have it all…
Dashed, in a flash
To have it all made of an absolute hash

I know what it feels like
A feeling and realization all too familiar
The signs are all there: internal and external
From what I see, to my findings from introspection

I now know what it feels like
So tell me
For I would swim entire oceans
As well as walk miles for you

Sometimes, we just have to take the longest walk back to the tunnel.

Alone.

But maybe it is all a matter of perspective.

Maybe, like a book written from right to left, one can always begin at what would conventionally be viewed as the last page.

The End, Where I Begin.

Just like the song.

Some Hearts.

2009-07-11T01:23:00.001+08:00

Some hearts, they just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts, they just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

But mine isn't quite like some others though.

The Bottle

2009-07-11T00:58:00.001+08:00

Things always happen
Well, shit happens too
Worse is to come when shit hits the fan
But it’s never the end

For I would like to believe that everything always turns out okay in the end
So if things aren’t okay, then it’s not quite the end now is it?
One just has to ride it out
And get on with things

It would be all to easy to bottle it
To lose one’s bottle
To just disintegrate and fall apart
Not unlike a jigsaw puzzle

It might even be easier to turn to a bottle
In an attempt to forget
But alas, such amnesiac-esque measures work for but a while
For how long, and how far for, can one go before coming face-to-face with the reality of it all once again?

I am glad to have not yet lost my bottle
To have not bottled it yet
To have not yet turned to a bottle
Well, I just bottle it all up anyway, airing it at appropriate times

Cheers, then
The sound of glass clinking fills the air for a second
As we raise a toast
To everything

As accentuated, and underlined by, the sound of your glass, clinking against my bottle.

The Science of Emotion

2009-07-10T00:24:00.003+08:00

Emotion can be defined as “a state characterized by physiological arousal, changes in facial expression, gestures, posture and subjective feelings.” Its origins are Latin in nature, meaning “to move”. Emotions are also linked to a variety of adaptive behaviours. Such behaviours include attacking, fleeing, seeking comfort and helping others. However, there are also negative outcomes because of emotion: “stage fright” can cause even the most gifted of people to choke, and “bad” feelings such as hate, contempt and anger can disrupt one’s behaviour.

As mentioned, physiological changes are central to emotions. Such signs include an increase in heart rate and perspiration, sweating palms and the oft-quoted “butterflies in the stomach”, in addition to various other bodily stirrings.

The James-Lange theory dictates that emotional feelings follow bodily arousal. This means to say that you will first realize your body’s reactions [such as a pounding heart, rapid breathing and tense muscles] before concluding that you are feeling a particular emotion [like. fear or excitement, for example].

Each of us has our own physiologically distinctive way or responding to emotion.
emotions lead to bodily responses. or the latter first, depending on which theory to subscribe to. I’ve been looking at the situation all wrong I suppose. I can't really control innate responses, so maybe it's more about getting past the emotions per se. Or at the very least, keeping them in check and not letting them guide our course of action too much.

Personally, I have always believed that we cannot help but feel the way we do at times. But we can always control the way we act because of how we feel. So feeling like the worst person in the world is no excuse to start acting like one. At least, not for me.

It has been stated that God will not task a soul beyond its ability. We might also be averse to a thing, even though it may be good for us, and we might love that which is harmful to us all.

It has also be said for us to be steadfast in prayer and give in charity; to fulfill the contracts which we have made and to be firm and patient, in pain and adversity. As well as throughout all periods of panic.

Perhaps all I need to do is to remain patient.

Just like I always have been.

Life Lessons from Video Games

2009-07-09T13:19:00.005+08:00

I was doing my routine maintenance of the computer, with the scans and clearing of caches from the browsers and all that, when IE led me to this article by one of the editors on MSN. No, not the messenger service, but rather, the Microsoft Network as a whole.

The article [which I reproduced as a whole] shows of some life lessons [totalling twelve in all] that one can obtain, from the unlikeliest of sources: video games, be they computer or console-based.

So here are the lessons:

1) Time heals all wounds.

In their own way, games want to reassure us that time is the greatest healer of all.

So say the countless first-person shooters in which all injuries can be mended by crouching quietly in a corner and waiting a few seconds before charging back into battle.

Since the health bar went out of fashion, mighty shooters such as Call of Duty 4 have turned to regenerative health systems. Time heals all wounds. Literally.

2) Entrepreneurship

In these troubled economic times, classic games have something to teach us about money.

Mario was forever bopping precious gold coins out of floating blocks. When Link was strapped for cash, he’d smash ceramic pots and cut tall grass to reveal hidden Rupees.

In the absence of floating blocks and smashable pots, we’ll have to take this as a symbolic lesson: with effort and diligence, money can be found in pretty unlikely places. Or possibly down the back of the sofa?

3) Never Give Up

If there’s a game to teach us to hang on in there, even when victory seems out of reach, it’s Mario Kart.

You might be stuck in last place mere seconds from the end of the race, desperately trying to overtake Wario, then bam! You pick up a Starman or a Bullet Bill and you’re blasting into the lead.

Equally, the iconic Nintendo racer is saying: don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Sure, you’re in first place and the finish line is in sight. But you never know when a dreaded Blue Shell is going to zoom over and smash the complacency out of you.

4) There is no "I" in "Team"

Certain multiplayer games not only reward you for working as a team but punish you for trying to lone wolf your way through a level.

Take zombie shooter Left 4 Dead, for instance. You might have a full bar of health and ammo to spare, but leave your fellow survivors behind to strike out on your own and soon the AI Director will have a Hunter pounce on you. Then where will you be? Incapacitated and alone, that’s where.

5) Car Security

Occasionally, we pick up tips not from our game’s hero but from the long-suffering non-player characters around him. Take Grand Theft Auto IV.

The ease with which auto-thieving Niko Bellic hauls Liberty City residents out of their cars at traffic lights tells us one thing: lock your doors when driving.

6) First Aid

If the Resident Evil series is to be believed, herbs have the power to heal all kinds of major injuries. Ground up and mixed together they are particularly potent against zombie maulings.

We think the moral here is something about putting our trust in herbal medicine and traditional remedies, but we’d apply this lesson with caution. Plenty of other games stick to proper med kits.

7) Pack Spare Batteries

Many a first-person shooter has hammered home the lesson: torches are unreliable. They will cut out at the worst possible moment.

While science can equip Gordon Freeman with a fabulously advanced Gravity Gun in Half-Life 2, it can’t make a dependable power supply for his suit’s flashlight.

Even Silent Hill 2’s mostly trusty torch will pick a choice moment to leave you stranded in the dark. So we’ve learned to pack spare batteries (and steer clear of sinister, abandoned towns).

8) Don't Trust Technology

We’ve all had bad days with technology – days on which we’d swear our computers were out to get us.

Games such as System Shock and Portal, where the machines (SHODAN and GLaDOS respectively) really are trying to kill you, make those paranoid suspicions real.

The lesson? When you give total control to a computer, it’s only a matter of time before it pulls a Skynet on you and you’re running for your life.

9) Practice Makes Perfect

It’s a gamer lesson that can be liberally applied to the non-gaming world: practice makes perfect, particularly with tricky jobs or games.

Work hard at a skill (say, playing Ninja Gaiden) and regularly repeat a task (say, hacking down enemies), and soon you’ll be an unstoppable expert. Just like in real life.

10) Chemical Safety

Should you ever find yourself in a firefight, don’t take cover near barrels that are red or marked as flammable, especially if you are a henchman. That is all.

11) Get Help

In games, as in life, you get stuck from time to time. You come up against a problem – a puzzle or an enemy, maybe – that you just can’t crack.

At such a time, you go online and find a walkthrough (or a cheat). Problem solved.

The moral of the story: there’s no shame in looking for help in the right places, from people who’ve been there and done that. Life walkthrough, anyone?

and finally,

12) Your Princess is in another Castle

This gaming trope originated in Super Mario Bros, in Mario’s tenacious searching for the kidnapped Princess Toadstool.

We like to think of it as a hopeful metaphor for single gamers looking for love: you might have to stomp a lot of Goombas and search a lot of castles, but in the end you’ll find that special someone. Aw.

I had quite a laugh reading the article. It is rather ironic how a fictional world could provide a platform from which one endeavours to understand real life.

The article, should you want to view it for yourself, is available at

http://tech.uk.msn.com/gaming/gallery.aspx?cp-documentid=148423758

Article written by: Douglas, J. [2009] editor - Tech and Gadgets.

A Quintessential Caraja Day

2009-06-29T12:32:00.004+08:00

This is getting bleeping testing. Already I am bothered, beset and beleaguered by an array of assortment of ailments, whose richness of diversity would rival that of a Khong Guan biscuit container [I was so tempted to throw in rainforests and / or mangroves, but I suppose that would be a stretch too far, in all senses of the word].

To compound it all, for now, I am left curtailed at the workplace. Worse still, unlike the usual situation, the equipment functioned perfectly. Coming from an idealistic perfectionist, nothing is quite as bad as knowing that I let myself down in this instance.

Maybe it was down to a lack of rest.
Or maybe sleep.
Or maybe food.

Or maybe it is just what the Spanish term “La Caraja”, whose meaning would be best defined by examples and analogies. On a day of Caraja, for no rhyme or reason, your mind is elsewhere and you keep doing dumb things. Such dumbness would include locking yourself out of your apartment with your keys inside, putting salt in your coffee, or calling your current girlfriend by the name of the previous one. Spaniards also use empanada or berza to describe this error-prone state of mind. On top of that, luck will never go one’s way in a day of caraja. Even the simplest, taken-for-granted outcomes either become an entire chore in themselves, or turn out to be unmitigated disasters altogether.

Anyway, I digress. We could have all the autopsies in the world, and also have all our State Coroners convene, and they would all still register an open verdict.

Everything seems to be spilling over, onto everything. The only thing preventing me from imploding all over myself would be good old-fashioned mule-headedness, an obstinate desire to not bottle it.

I have always maintained that we can never help the way we feel. But we can, however, control the way we act because of how we feel. Knowing myself, I’d prolly just wave off everything with a shrug of the shoulders and get on with things like I always do.

But it still doesn’t change the fact that I am bothered by all this though.

--

2009-06-28T22:50:00.008+08:00

Malay weddings are quite synonymous with a few items. Some would include the distinctive sounds of the kompang, and also of people karaoke-ing, a void-deck setting, and certain types of foodstuffs like nasi minyak, ayam masak merah, et cetera.

There are also certain things that I usually end up doing at such functions, or jemputan [literally meaning 'invitation'], as the Malay people term it. Sometimes I end up ferrying me family to the venue, I almost always get the food and serve it to the elder statesmen of the family [and / or relatives, whoever is present], and I always make it a point to say hello and talk to the hosts of the function.

I find myself having developed one particular habit at such functions, too. I find myself [alarmingly increasingly] listening in to the songs played and / or sung at such functions, and taking a further listen from the privacy afforded by my own room.

If only you lot would know of what I have been listening to.

I would be absolutely butchered if the list ever got out.

Haha.

Once and Again.

2009-06-20T00:06:00.008+08:00

I open my balcony door in the morning
I see a new blossom on my plants
Indeed, they have flowered:
Flowered from vanity, ambition, idealism, and passion
And also, perhaps, loneliness, courage, and even laziness

The usual seeds, all muddled up: Pretty much like my thoughts, and state of mind.

The significance of the day is not lost upon me
It made me shy and stammering
Made me anxious to improve myself
Made me feel butterflies in me stomach; made me heart race

I look at you, in a mixture of amazement and awe
And with my look, I pass myself through all that time
Have all that emotion rush through me
Quite possibly settling on me, rather tearfully

The pursed lip, the set, our conversations
To have felt on the creased pouch of my old worn face the tenderness of your flesh
Life has been, for me at least, no mere matter of roses
I have done what it is that makes one solitary

I take a listen
Your sigh, your voice: tender and enchanting
Much like the wind outside a wood in the evening
Soothing absolutely, to me nerves

How the nerves all gradually rose and fluttered away
Just like how a pigeon did, upon touching the nearby parapet
Rise and flutter away
I wipe now my eyes, which have since been laced with a touch of tears

Such emotion.

But I would like for you to know just how heavenly it was for me to have been able to spend time with you once again. =)

Question Marks II

2009-06-16T23:00:00.001+08:00

Questions always get asked of me
But there are some questions that, unfortunately, can only be answered in, and with the passing of, time
It’s like being in a gameshow of sorts
And being asked to pick out a prize for oneself

Different prizes, all lying in wait behind the proverbial curtain or opaque door
An issue which can only be addressed best with hindsight [which will always be perfect]
Or by those blessed with the gift of foresight
But we don’t have too many of those now, do we?

At least I don’t, nor do the people around me.

I suppose that is why the expression is, after all, called “a leap of faith”
You leap into the unknown, armed with nothing by sheer faith
And faith is, to the best of my knowledge at least, almost always blind
Like loyalty; and foolishness might lie in the same bracket, too

But hey: One man’s terrorist is always another’s freedom fighter. It's a matter of perception, methinks.

But I digress
Irrespective of the result, I will see it through
Ploughing and plodding away, just like the water buffalo at the paddy field
I always do, anyway

Largely in part because I want to.

If things go to plan, then wonderful
If not, then I’ll just have to man up, take it on the chin, and then clean up after meself now, won’t I?
I have always been rather resilient, even if I do try to find means and ways to lose myself at times

God alone knows the answer
The answer can, and will only, be told with the passing of time
But not anytime soon though
I’ll just ‘ave to trust me guts on this one

Wish me luck.

I have always been loyal / brave / foolish this way.

This is how it was always going to be anyway.

At least for me.

For now though, a toast perhaps.

To life, and everything that it brings: the smooth and the rough, the good and the bad.

Carpe diem; joie de vivre.

To life.